


To move on

by Courtkpop123



Category: Monsta X (Band)
Genre: Domestic Violence, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, Hospitalization, Im Changkyun | I.M-centric, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Insecure Im Changkyun | I.M, Sad Im Changkyun | I.M, Sexual Abuse, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-10-14
Updated: 2021-02-25
Packaged: 2021-03-07 17:27:13
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 26
Words: 36,858
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26991367
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Courtkpop123/pseuds/Courtkpop123
Summary: Changkyun rarely spoke of his past with anyone, including his members. When, however, he receives news from back home. He is forced to face the past he so desperately wanted to forget.
Relationships: Im Changkyun | I.M/Everyone
Comments: 126
Kudos: 351





	1. A truth still hidden

**Author's Note:**

> Wow, so hey. Long time no see. I took a month of with everything going on at the moment. I live in the uk and all the rules and regulations keep changing. I also work in a trade that is being effected in different ways. The area I live in is potentially getting more restrictions. But hey I’m back with another Changkyun centric fic. I hope you enjoy. I will probably post once or twice a week.

Changkyun had been having the time of his life being a member of Monsta x. Sure it was a rocky beginning but they had come so far, now being a close family. Truth is, this is the happiest he had ever felt with anyone. His life had served him anything but happiness and so to finally be happy meant everything to him.  
He never spoke of his past, the members only knowing small details like how he had moved about a lot as a child. In all honesty, they just believed he was an introvert when it came to his past. The reality was that it was just too painful for Changkyun to face. Instead he chose to push it to the back of his mind and forget about it.

It was the final day of their tour. It had been one of the best tours to them, ending it in Seoul which was the cherry on the cake. As the members looked out to the crowd, each one could see their parents with proud smiles on their faces, all except Changkyun’s. In the 3 times their parents were able to attend one of their concerts, his never showed. This saddened the members but it never seemed to phase the younger, almost as if he didn’t care. Maybe he didn’t. 

The members had grabbed hands to make their final bow when Wonho whispered to the maknae.  
“Where are they?”

Changkyun only looked him in the eyes and shrugged. “Couldn’t make it” he stated nonchalantly.

“Again?”

“Busy” he replied.

Wonho only sighed. He had heard the excuse twice before, it only made him feel sad for the younger. He never really spoke of his parents and the others had never met them, it just seemed strange to the muscular member. 

—————————

It was 11pm, most members having turned in for the night minus shownu, Wonho and kihyun.

“They didn’t come again” Wonho stated while crossing his arms.

“Seriously? What excuse did he use this time?” Kihyun asked.

Wonho huffed “same as usual. It’s just a bit odd you know. We haven’t met them once and he doesn’t talk about them at all.”

Shownu had been listening carefully before he decided to interject. “Yeah, I agree. At first I thought it was just him being an introvert but anytime he’s asked about them or his past he just avoids the questions. Maybe we should talk to him tomorrow during practice, see if anything’s wrong.”

They all nodded in agreement before deciding to go to bed themselves.

———————

It was the next day, the members were currently on break when the older three decided to confront Changkyun.

“Changkyun...” shownu began “..can we talk to you for a moment?”

Changkyun nodded before following the three into a quiet corner of the room.

“What’s up, is there something wrong hyungs?”

“We don’t know Changkyun, maybe you could enlighten us? We know you must be upset that your parents didn’t come.”

“It’s fine, honestly. These things happen.”

“Not three times in a row with the same excuse Kyun. Why didn’t they come really?”

“I told you, they are very busy people and couldn’t get the time off.”

“We know that’s not true Kyun.”

“What’s it got to do with you anyway. So what if they didn’t come. If you don’t want to believe me then that’s your own problem.”

“Changkyun, we are just worried.”

“Well don’t be.” Changkyun voice was raised.

The three only looked at him with a combination of shock and confusion before they were interrupted by the voice of their manager.

“Changkyun, there is someone on the phone for you. I think it’s best you answer it in private.”

The maknae only scowled at the older boys before nodding to manager and exiting the room. The man had a somber look on his face.

“Is something wrong hyung?” Kihyun questioned.

“It’s Changkyun’s parents, there was an accident.”

————————  
“...I see, Thank you for letting me know, goodbye.”

Changkyun hung up the phone before crossing his arms at the small table. He had just been informed that his parents had passed away in a serious car accident. A frown appeared on his face.

“All the crap you did to me, you deserved this” he whispered to himself before leaving for the practice room.

“Changkyun?” The members said in unison.

Minhyuk was the first to speak up. “We are so sorry to hear about your parents.”

“It’s fine.”

Kihyun looked confused. “You must be in shock Kyun, maybe you should go home.”

“I said it’s fine ok. Now let’s just get on with practice” the maknae said frustratedly.

The members could only watch in shock as the boy went to his starting pose, no tears, no emotion. His parents had just died and he wanted to practice, this scared them.


	2. Back home to a house

Changkyun had been avoiding the subject of his parents for the past week and the members only worried more and more. They didn’t know if this was his way of coping or something else. The manager had suggested that Changkyun take some time off but the younger had refused, telling them he was quite capable of continuing his work.

Shownu had decided that enough was enough, he was worried about the boy and just wanted to make sure he was ok. 

All the members were sat eating lunch in the practice room when Shownu decided to make his move.

“Changkyun, please to talk to us. Tell us what’s going on in your head.”

The younger boy looked up to the leader, no emotion present on his face. “There is nothing to tell.”

“Are you serious, you just lost your parents and you’re acting as if nothing happened. We just want to help you.”

“No offence hyung, but I don’t want to talk about this right now with you.”

“Fine. At least let one of us come with you to the funeral.”

“No..”

“Changkyun...”

“You didn’t let me finish. I don’t want anyone to come because I’m not going.”

The other members looked at the maknae with confusion before jooheon spoke up.  
“What do you mean you are not going? They are your parents Changkyun.”

“Look, this has nothing to do with any of you. Now just drop it.”

“But Changkyun, you can’t miss your parents funeral. What would they think?” Hyungwon questioned.”

“I don’t care what they think, they stopped being my parents a long time ago.”

“Changkyun..”

“I SAID DROP IT! NOW LEAVE ME ALONE!” Changkyun yelled before collecting his possessions and marching out the door.  
Jooheon was about to follow after him but was stopped by Wonho.  
“We shouldn’t have pushed him so much. Leave him be, let him calm down for a bit.”

The others only looked with sadness towards where they had last seen the maknae.

——————————  
The members arrived home to the dorm thinking that they would be faced with an angry Changkyun. Instead, it was pitch black, not a person in sight.

“Changkyun?” Kihyun called out.  
“Changkyun?” No answer

Minhyuk and jooheon walked off to search the dorm. It was a couple of minutes later when they returned with panicked looking faces.

“Some of his clothes are gone as well as his duffel bag” jooheon rushed out.

Shownu’s heart dropped for a second before dialling the younger boy’s number. No answer.

“His phone must be switched off, I’ll call management.”  
Seconds later, shownu disappeared into the kitchen.

Wonho began pacing the living room. “What if something has happened to him? He was so angry when he left.”

“He will be ok hyung” Hyungwon said, his own doubt obvious.

A few minutes later, shownu returned.

“Well?” Kihyun asked.

“Apparently he asked our manager for a week off so he could go back to his parents home.”

“But why would he want to go back there? By the sounds of it, he hated his parents.”

“I don’t know jooheon but something is wrong here and we need to find out. Manager said to give him a few days space.”

“Then what?”

“Then we are going to go down there ourselves to make sure he is ok, and to find out what is wrong. I’m just worried if we pushed him too far when it’s obvious he’s hurting.”

Kihyun sighed, placing his head in his hands. His heart full of guilt. He knew they pushed him too much, he just didn’t want it to go back to the way it was during no mercy where they pushed Changkyun away and shut him out. He feared they had done just that. “God... we are so stupid. We should have thought before continually questioning him. He obviously didn’t want to talk about it.”

“We are idiots, aren’t we. I just hope he’s ok.” Jooheon whispered, mainly to himself. 

———————  
Chankgyun was sat on the nearly empty train going back to his hometown of Gwangju. He felt sick to his stomach. He had promised himself that he would never step foot back there again. Honestly, he didn’t know why he was now. He could feel the tears form in his eyes as the train pulled closer and closer to the station. He was nearing one of many places that became hell for him because of his parents and what they did to him. He thought about running onto any other platform that the train had stopped at. Anywhere would be better than where he was going. It was only when the sign of his previous home city came into view that it felt more real. He was here, somewhere he never thought he would return to again.

It took a few minutes by taxi to get to his old house, he would never call it a home. Nothing had changed, the front door still looked old and tattered, the small lawn overgrown. His hand began to shake as he placed the key into the lock, slowly turning it.


	3. Memories

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Surprise. I know I said the next chapter would be up next week but I couldn’t wait especially after everything that’s happened the past couple of days. My area has been put in a higher risk and we now have extra restrictions, 2 households can’t mix e.c.t 🙁. Im also going to lose some hours at work. Anyway, I hope you enjoy this chapter 😊

The inside of the house looked similar to what it had when Changkyun had left it a few years ago, the same disarray maintained. The walls were dark and dingy and the place still stank of booze and cigarettes. From the outside, his parents managed to put on the facade of a happy family but behind closed doors it was a much different story. There wasn’t a day that didn’t go by that he wasn’t punished for something, sometimes for absolutely nothing at all. He always wished, hoped that someone would save him but no one ever came to his rescue. Anytime someone gained even the slightest inkling or suspicion that something was wrong, his parents would uproot and move them somewhere new. A new place to hide their dark secret. A new place for Changkyun to feel alone once again. So, like he had for his whole life, he rescued himself except he could never erase the memories of what occurred to him.

A familiar door came into his line of sight. An off white coloured door. Moving to it, he ran his fingers over the many scrapes and dents that were embedded into it.

  
**_Flashback...._ **

_ “A c-, that’s all you could manage!” Changkyun’sfather slurred. A graded test paper in one hand, half empty whisky bottle in the other. _

_ “I....I tried my best. Really... I...I did.” Changkyun stuttered, back against his door as he watched his father drop the paper to the floor. _

_ His mother just ignored the confrontation as she always did, instead choosing to focus on some random tv show. No interest at all. _

_ “HOW DID WE END UP WITH YOU FOR A SON? HOW DID WE GET SO UNLUCKY?” he yelled before throwing the bottle in the direction of his only son. _

_ Changkyun only just managed to duck in time as the bottle hit his bedroom door, smashing into hundreds of pieces. Changkyun stood up once again, only to be pinned against the door by the man’s arm across his chest.  _

_ “P....please dad, please. I’m...im sorry. I...I’ll try harder.” _

_ He could feel his fathers boozed up breathe against his face, listening carefully as he whispered malicious words into his ear. “You are and always will be worthless.” _

_ His father retracted his arm before placing one last punch to the teenagers stomach, causing him to fall to the floor. _

**_...End of flashback  _ **

Changkyun’s knees gave out as he slid down the door, tears draining from his eyes as he whispered to himself. “Worthless.....I’m worthless....worthless.”

He stayed like that for 20 minutes before feeling unconsciousness take over.

————————————

Changkyun woke up to sunlight pouring through the hallway window. He had managed to sleep for 10 hours on the cold wooden floor. He was about to stand to check his phone when he heard the doorbell go. Quickly rubbing his eyes, he made a beeline for the front door. 

“I’m sorry, you have caught me at a bad time....” his sentence broke off once he saw who had rung the bell. His so called uncle who he hadn’t seen for years.

“Chankgyun....”

“You need to leave” he said as he pushed the door too only for it to be stopped by his uncles foot.

“Changkyun, please just give me a minute to explain” he said, pushing the door gently.

“You lost any chance to explain years ago. How did you even know where to find me?” He asked, a scowl crossing his face.

“The police found some of my old details in your fathers wallet, they contacted me and told me what had happened and where your parents had been living. I couldn’t believe you were in Gwangju this whole time. I searched here a few years back. A few months before you moved here. That’s why I couldn’t find you. Some of the neighbours told me you had arrived yesterday. Please Changkyun, when I say I wanted to help you, believe me.”

“But you didn’t did you, you didn’t help me. You left me there after what you saw. How could you do that?”

“Look, that night that I walked in on your father doing......that to you. It shocked me. I...I didn’t know what to think. He’s my brother, I didn’t want to believe he was capable of something so disgusting.”

“Yeah... well he was!”

“I...I know. I went to confront him the next day. He kept brushing it off as something innocent but when I wouldn’t back down that’s when he turned. He beat me senseless Changkyun. He left me in a coma for weeks. When I woke up, he had disappeared with you and your mother. I tried so hard to find you Changkyun, I spent years looking for you. When I saw you on that reality show, I finally knew you had gotten yourself away.”

“I...I. He told me that you said it was my fault and that I deserved everything he did to me.” Changkyun whispered, tears beginning to fill his eyes.

“No... I never said that. I was going to help you get away from him. I never got that chance. I’m so sorry Changkyun, please believe me.”

Changkyun eyed his uncle, noting the sincerity in his eyes. This still didn’t change that fact that what happened happened and he didn’t want to discuss the matter any further.

“I think you should go. I need you to go.”

His uncle gave him a sad look before stepping out onto the front path. “Here’s my number when you are ready to talk, call me anytime Changkyun. I’ll be here for you, I mean it.”

Chankgyun timidly took the card before closing the door on the man.

His mind was in a jumble, a huge disarray of thoughts. All that time, his uncle had been looking for him, his uncle wanted to help him. Someone had wanted to save him. Like everything else, his father took that away from him. 

—————————————

Changkyun spent 2 hours just sitting, making no attempt to even try and sort through a lifetime of what was just stuff to him. His parents never kept any photos of him on display. They always stated that it was bad enough they had to see him in person, the son they never wanted. It was only when the clock struck 8 at night that he walked over to his father’s liquor cabinet, pulling out a full bottle of whisky. Once in hand, he moved over to the dusty armchair that his father always drunk himself into oblivion in. For the next few hours, Changkyun allowed himself to drink the neat whisky while tears flowed down his cheeks. Maybe it could give him as much relief as it did his father. Then again, probably not. 

He noticed his phone light up through his blurry eyes, taking a minute to fully focus on the text he had received from Shownu.

**_ ‘Hey Kyun. We just wanted to know if you’re ok and made it there safe. We are always here for you, take as much time as you need’ _ **

Changkyun eyed the text with sad eyes before tapping out a quick reply of  **_ ‘thanks hyung, I’m good’. _ **

If only they knew the real truth, if only they knew the dark secrets he kept buried. 


	4. Confronting times

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope everyone is well in this crazy time. Enjoy this next chapter, there is only more angst to come...

_** ‘I’ll be home in 2 days, couple of things I need to sort out first’ ** _

_** ‘Ok Changkyun. Please keep safe and we are thinking of you. See you soon.’ ** _

Kihyun watched as the text message he had sent to the boy turned to read. They had all been worried about him but when they suggested that they travel down to him he flat out refused the idea. He stated that it would be a wasted journey and that he just needed space. This of course made them worry more but they knew they had to respect his wishes. 

Kihyun was pulled from his thoughts by a hand on his shoulder. “Did he say what he was going to be doing?” Wonho quizzed, taking a seat beside his co band member.

Kihyun sighed before locking his phone and placing it on the table. “Sorting through some of his parents things. He didn’t really say much except that he still wasn’t going to the funeral.”

“Something bad must have happened between them, really bad. How can someone hate their parents so much, I don’t understand.”

“I...I just don’t know but it’s obviously something he finds too painful to talk about. I just hope he knows we are here if he needs to talk. I’m worried about him.”

“I’m sure he knows” Wonho stated, trying to give somewhat of a reassuring smile.

—————————————————

Changkyun was stood in front of the funeral home that housed his parents, the actually funeral would be in 2 weeks time but he definitely wouldn’t be attending that. The funeral home had called him to let him know he could visit them to say his last goodbyes. He didn’t know what made him come, he didn’t know why he was now walking through the entrance.

“Ahh, you must be Changkyun. I’m very sorry for your loss” a young man said gently. He gestured for the boy to follow him down the long corridor, stopping when they arrived at a closed door.

“Whenever you are ready, you can go in. If you need anything, I will be at the front desk.” He smiled sympathetically before returning to the front of house.

Changkyun’s hands shook as he placed his hand on the handle. He could feel himself sweating as he entered the room. Stood on two stands were two open caskets. It was only when he took a few steps closer that he saw the still bodies of his parents, they looked like they were sleeping.

He gasped before taking a few minutes to calm his breathing, rubbing his clammy hands together. They looked exactly how he remembered them except less scary, they looked peaceful. Peace is the last thing they deserved.

“Well.... I’m here. Here you are, both of you. Laying here lifeless. You don’t know how many times I wished for death to fall upon you. Do you know what I wished for more though? I wished and prayed that you would end my misery and just kill me. You made me want to die. You made me so scared and lonely. Parents are supposed to love their children but all you did was hurt me. You hurt me in ways that make me feel like I’m disgusting, like there is something wrong with me.” Changkyun had tears in his eyes at this point. “I tried to forget after I got away, I was ok but then you went and died and now it’s brought back all those memories and nightmares. You have managed to make me feel so small even in death. How is it fair that I have to suffer for your crimes. You got of Scott free and now I have to live with what you did, what you both did. I hate you..... I HATE YOU!” He screamed before collapsing to his knees. Everything came flooding back, the pain, the insults.....the fear of his dad walking into his room at night. He cried into his knees for the next 5 minutes.

—————————————-

Changkyun ran home as fast as he could from the funeral home. So much was going through his mind, the flashbacks felt so real. He could feel the pain travel though his body even though it wasn’t real. He knew exactly where to run to. He was in a frenzy as he found the hole in his mattress that housed a packet of razor blades. After all this time, they had never found them.

One was removed from the packet as he lifted his shirt to reveal his stomach. It was littered with scars, some self inflicted. The others inflicted by the very people who were supposed to care for him. How he had managed to keep these hidden from everyone, especially his members, he did not know. His breathing hitched as he placed the cold metal to his skin. Relief instantly flooded his mind as he placed one cut after another. 6 cuts in total. He had been clean for a while but that had all gone down the toilet. Another achievement his parents ripped from him. Dead or alive, they were destroying his life either way. The worst part..... he blamed himself for all of this. If he had just been a good son, if he could just have made his parents proud.

The traumatised boy once again cried himself to sleep that night on his old mattress. Blood from the blade soaking into it.

————————————

Changkyun felt sore immediately after he woke up on the red stained mattress. His shirt now sported dried blood and he felt disgusting. He sighed, remembering last nights events and how he hadn’t cleaned his cuts before he fell asleep. He pulled himself up before slowly walking towards the bathroom for a shower.

Removing his clothing caused him to wince as the materiel peeled away from the dried cuts. Once under the spray of the water, he scrubbed roughly at his skin as another form of self punishment. He hated that he was resorting back to this but it was helping him cope with the influx of awful memories.

The shower lasted 30 minutes, allowing him to fully clean and take care of his new wounds. It did cross his mind about whether his self harm would occur again but he couldn’t think to much about that. He had plenty to do today. It would be the last day of sorting through everything. In all honesty, most of it he would be chucking away. He had absolutely no interest in anything to do with his parents. He couldn’t wait to get back to his real home, his real family but he knew they would want to know what had happened between him and his parents. Would he ever be prepared to tell them even the slightest detail about what occurred? He didn’t believe so. For now, it would stay secret.

————————————-

To say he was exhausted was an understatement, he didn’t realise how much stuff his parents actually owned. Most of it junk off course. They had thrown most of his possessions away after he left, they probably wanted to rid their house of any evidence he ever existed.

He was sat at the dining room table nursing a coffee, a nagging thought ran through his mind as he stared at the card containing his uncles number. He was still wrestling with the reality that he could have been saved by this man. A man he believed despised him all these years, yet another lie spun by his parents.

He eyed it for a few more minutes before typing the number into his phone and pressing call.

“Hello.... it’s Changkyun. Can we meet tomorrow morning.....”


	5. Old acquaintance

Changkyun cupped his cup of coffee in his hands as he sat opposite his uncle. They decided to meet at a local coffee shop, one that wasn’t too busy.

“Thankyou for asking to meet Changkyun.” The elder man smiled.

Changkyun looked down to the hot liquid. “I did debate not coming. I don’t know why I did to be honest.”

“Why don’t we start with... how have you been? I’ve been following your debut since finding out about it.”

“It’s erm.... going well I guess. It was a bit rocky at the start but we’ve got a good thing now. They are like family to me, something I didn’t really have much off as you know.”

His uncle looked down guiltily. “I’m sorry I couldn’t be there for you more. I swear I would have done if I had been given the chance but I’m glad you have found people who truly care for and look after you. That’s all I ever wanted for you.”

“It took me a long time to learn to trust again. I hope you can understand that I’m still unsure about you. I don’t know if I can trust you..... I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be. I understand. I wasn’t around and for years you believed I thought it was all your fault and you deserved what happened to you. Please know I would never, ever think that.”

Changkyun sighed heavily. “It will take time.”

His uncle became suddenly fidgety, catching the attention of the younger boy. “What? Is something wrong?”

The man rubbed the back of his neck nervously. “Changkyun, maybe you should think about talking to someone.”

“What do you mean?”

“Like someone who can help you, a councillor or someone.”

Changkyun’s eyebrow raised with frustration. “Are you serious?” He almost yelled, causing the few people in the coffee shop to look at them both with curious eyes. They soon lost interest when Changkyun lowered his voice.

“You come back into my life all of a sudden and think you can control me.... tell me what to do!”

“Changkyun that’s not..... that’s not what I’m trying to do.”

“Yes it is. I don’t need to talk to anyone. I’m trying to forget what they did to me, I don’t need some stranger dragging it all back up again.”

“They can help you.”

“Let me give you a piece of advice. If you want to be somebody’s hero then go a save someone else. You can’t help me..... I’m beyond broken” he whispered the last sentence as he quickly stood up to walk away.

“Changkyun, wait!”

The younger turned around one last time, saying his last few words to the man. “Don’t contact me.” With that, he excited the coffee shop.

————————————

He had slept for the whole train journey home, catching a taxi for the short journey back to the dorm. Physically, mentally and emotional he was exhausted. He just wanted his bed, he wanted to curl up and cry.

Waiting for him in the living room were his other members. They had all been worried about the boy being alone during such a time.

“Changkyun!” Jooheon exclaimed as he engulfed the younger in a big hug. What he didn’t see was the discomfort on Changkyun’s face. In all honesty he didn’t want anyone touching him. He quickly but gently pulled away.

“Hi” he huffed out.

“Are you doing ok Kyun?” shownu quizzed, placing a hand on the boy’s shoulder. The younger tensed at the touch.

“I...I’m fine. You don’t need to worry. Just.... don’t ask me about it, that’s all I ask.”

The remaining members looked between each other with confused eyes.

“Ok Kyun. We understand. Erm... listen. We talked to management and have all agreed that we should take some time off, just till you feel up to going back to work.”

Changkyun dropped his bag in frustration. “What? You just all decided this without asking me first?”

Kihyun stepped forward to speak up. “We thought it would be best, especially after everything that has happened.”

“So you make decisions for me now, is that it?”

“No Kyun, that’s not what we were doing. We thought you would appreciate the time off.”

“Well I don’t. I don’t need time off. What I need is to get back into a routine. I’m not going to breakdown or anything if that’s what you think. I’m quite capable of getting work done unless you think I’m incompetent?” He said angrily.

“Kyun calm down. We will tell management that we won’t take the time but at least take a day off.” Shownu stated.

Changkyun stared at them all for a few seconds before backing down. “Fine, I’ll take a day but I promise you I’m fine.... I’m fine, ok.” He wasn’t sure who he was trying to convince.

——————————————

The 6 remaining members sat round the dining table, the maknae having taken himself to bed to catch up on some sleep.

“What do you think?” Wonho asked to no one in particular.

“I mean, I want to believe him when he says he’s fine but I don’t understand how you could be after loosing both of your parents like that.” Hyungwon replied, head in his hands.

“I don’t know about all of you but he never really mentioned his parents or anything about his life to me apart from the fact he moved around a lot. It’s like he’s hiding something but I can’t quite put my finger on it” Jooheon stated.

Shownu looked down the hallway, eyes trained on the closed door of the maknae’s room.

“I think so too but he doesn’t want to talk about itat the moment and I think we should respect that. What we can do is keep an eye on him. If we notice anything then we let each other know. We just have to be there for him when he needs it.”

They all nodded in agreement.

————————————————

**_ “Please dad... please. Don’t do this to me again..... please” Changkyun begged as his father walked closer to his son’s bed. _ **

**_ “How many times do I have to teach you. You disrespected me and you deserve to be punished for it” his father slurred having drunk a bottle of vodka. _ **

**_ “Please, I’ll be good. I promise I’ll be good” he cried. _ **

**_ His father didn’t say another word as he removed his belt, getting closer and closer to the bed. _ **

**_ “I’m sorry... I’m sorry....” _ **

“....I’m sorry!” Changkyun gasped as he sat up in his bed in the dorm. He was covered in sweat, eyes tearing up. He looked over to Jooheon’s bed to see if he had woken the other rapper. Thankfully he hadn’t.

He slowly stepped out of bed, making his way towards the kitchen to grab a glass of water.

He took only a few seconds to completely down the water before allowing himself to quietly break down. It hadn’t been just a nightmare, it had been real, a flashback to one of many horrors he was exposed to.

He didn’t sleep anymore that night, instead choosing to sit at the dining table in complete darkness, all alone.


	6. Troubling times

Changkyun looked absolutely exhausted... he felt absolutely exhausted. A night of no sleep after a bad nightmare does no wonders for anyone. Kihyun walked into the living/ kitchen area rubbing his eyes, noticing the younger man sat staring at the blank tv screen.

“Hey Kyun...” the younger boy jumped slightly “...how long have you been up?” A look of worry crossed kihyun’s face.

“Oh... erm... most of the night I guess. Couldn’t sleep.”

Kihyun took a seat next to the maknae. “Are you ok Kyun? You must be exhausted.”

Changkyun refused to meet kihyun’s eyes, favouring a spot on the floor. “Yeah. It’s.... it’s just been a rough couple of days. I’m ok though, I promise.”

The elder didn’t completely believe his last statement but he didn’t want to push the boy.  
“You know I’m here if you want to talk about anything, we all are.”

He sighed, taking a moment before coming up with a reply. “I...I know. It’s just... you know. I’m ok kihyun. Look, I know none of you can understand but me and my parents... we just didn’t get on. That’s all, we just argued a lot and ended up hating each other I guess.”

“Kyun...”

“No kihyun. That’s all you need to know ok. You all can choose to not understand why I’m not going to their funeral but just know if you were in my position then you would do the same thing.”  
Changkyun abruptly stood up, making his way to his room.

“Changkyun, wait. Where are you going?”

“I’m going to get changed and go for a walk if that’s ok with you. Now can you.... can you just leave me alone. Please” he whispered the last word before disappearing from the singers view.

Kihyun was slightly taken aback with how quickly Changkyun’s mood changed. The younger boy was right though, he didn’t understand. How could he when he and his parents had a strong and loving relationship. He knew there must be more to it than a few arguments.

——————————————————

The crisp cold air surrounded him as he walked along the back streets. He needed time to clear his mind. He hoped that kihyun had believed him when he said that it was just arguments between him and his parents. He couldn’t let the others know, they would think he was disgusting. No, he would just keep it to himself like he always had. 

Changkyun was unsure how long he had been walking, unsure of exactly what time it was. What he was sure of was that he was now standing behind the railing of a quiet bridge, looking down to the deep, fast flowing water below. Probably around 50 feet below. 

Before he knew what he was doing, he was stood the other side, having removed his warm winter coat. The water looked so beautiful to him as he held on, feet standing on a few inches of ledge. No one was around, all it would take is him letting go. He imagined how peaceful it would be under the water if he were to let himself drown, all alone. 

He was brought back down to earth when a small part of the ledge he was stood on broke away. He caught himself before gasping for breathe. He could have so easily have let himself go, let the pain end. Why didn’t he? Why couldn’t he let himself die? A part of him believed he deserves to live with this pain and misery as punishment. Punishment for being a bad son, punishment for keeping it secret from everyone. Who would believe him anyway.

Changkyun pulled himself back over before crouching down and hugging his knees tight. The tears soaked his blue jeans as the realisation that he very nearly killed himself hit him. He couldn’t do it though, could he. He was weak.

——————————————

The 6 members were sat round the dining table eating lunch. Changkyun had sent them a text around 45 minutes ago to say he would be home soon. They were starting to get worried now.

Suddenly, Wonho’s phone began to ring, startling the other members. Once he saw the caller ID, he quickly pressed answer before placing the phone to his ear.  
“Kyun, I’m so glad you called........wait, slow down. You are not making any sense, calm down...”

The others looked between each other worriedly.

“....ok Kyun, stay where you are. I’m coming to get you.” Wonho hung up the phone soon after before rushing around to grab his front door keys.

“Wonho, what’s going on? What’s wrong with Changkyun?” Jooheon quizzed.

“Just stay here, I’m going to go and get him.” With that, he was out the door in seconds.

—————————————

Wonho ran for a straight 15 minutes before a familiar sobbing boy came into his view. He raced to the middle of the bridge before engulfing the boy in a hug.

“I.....I’m s....sorry” the younger choked out.

“Shhh. It’s ok Kyun. I’m here ok. Has something happened, has someone hurt you?” 

“N....no. It just all got too much. I just needed quiet. I’m sorry” he sobbed once again.

Wonho had a sinking feeling in his stomach. Finding the sobbing boy on a quiet bridge and his coat laying to one side only caused one thought to run through his mind. A lot of people come to a bridge like this for one reason and one reason only.

“It’s ok Kyun, let’s get you home ok.”

——————————————-

The other members only watched in shock and worry as Wonho had bridal carried a disheveled and sleeping maknae to his room before returning to them 10 minutes later.

“Are you going to tell us what the hell is going on Hyung? What’s wrong with Kyun?” Minhyuk burst out.

Wonho rubbed his forehead, trying to collect his thoughts.  
“I erm.... found him on a bridge in a right state. I.... I think....”

“Spit it out Wonho!” Shownu said in a hushed tone.

“I think he was going to do something...... I think he was going to jump.”

Everyone gasped. They couldn’t believe what they were hearing. 

“He.... wouldn’t, he wouldn’t do something like that” Jooheon stated, his tone clearly showing how unsure he was.

“You didn’t see him Jooheon. He looked so broken and scared. Ever since his parents died, something has been wrong.”

Kihyun took a seat, still in some sort of shock. “We... we had a short discussion this morning. He said we wouldn’t understand, that.... that he just had arguments with his parents. Just arguments doesn’t cause this much distress, something more happened between them.”

“He doesn’t want to tell us though, how can we help if he doesn’t want to tell us?” Hyungwon questioned. 

Shownu had never felt so lost as the leader. “I....I don’t know...” He felt so useless. He just wanted to help the boy but he had no clue how.


	7. Haunted

Changkyun had slept for practically a whole day. Of course this didn’t settle the worry that preoccupied the remaining members minds. They knew he should have ate something but he looked absolutely exhausted so sleep was the main priority. They had spent most of the night sitting outside his room in case he woke up. 

Morning broke and they all were mentally tired as they sat eating breakfast. The silence was broken by Changkyun casually walking into the kitchen area to grab a bottle of orange juice which he placed in his rucksack. They all looked between each other with confusion.

“Kyun.....” Wonho started “...erm, are you ok? What are you doing?”

“Morning to you too. I’m fine. What do you mean what am I doing hyung? I’m getting ready to go to the studio.”

“Kyun, do you really think that’s a good idea?”

The younger placed his rucksack down to focus his full attention on the men in-front of him. “I took my day off like you all requested. It’s time to go back to work now.”

“After everything that happened last night, I don’t think that’s a good idea. We all think it would be best if you took a few days, we cleared it with management.”

A look of anger passed the maknae’s face. “Last night was nothing!”

“That wasn’t nothing Kyun.” Minhyuk interjected.

Shownu placed a hand on Minhyuk’s arm, gesturing for him to calm down. “Kyun, you were passed out from crying when you got back. Wonho found you having some sort of breakdown and on a bridge.... a bridge Kyun.”

The younger crossed his arms in frustration. “I had a moment, that’s all that was. Can you blame me after the stress of the past week. It wasn’t a breakdown ok. What did you think I was going to go and do, jump off it?” He scoffed.

“I don’t know Kyun, were you?” Wonho asked, frustration clear in his tone.

A flicker of emotion crossed the boy’s eyes. He knew what he was going to do but he didn’t want to admit it. If he admitted it then he would have to tell them why and he didn’t want anyone knowing why. Instead he chose to be defensive, to build a wall between his real emotions and his fake. “No, of course not. Who do you think I am? I went for a walk and happened to end up on a bridge. I don’t need you interrogating me.”

“We are just worried about you Kyun.” Hyungwon stated, voice becoming strained.

“If you cared that much then you wouldn’t make decisions for me without telling me. Now I’m going to the company whether you like it or not. If you want to join me then be my guest” he spat as he grabbed his rucksack and exited the dorm in a huff.

“What just happened? He’s in complete denial” Jooheon said.

Shownu looked dazed, everything that had occurred in the last 24 hours flashing through his mind. “I... I don’t know how to help him but I’m damn sure he’s not going to go through this alone. We will just have to keep an eye on him. I fear this isn’t going to end well.”

——————————————-

Changkyun was stood in front of the practice room mirrors having arrived 15 minutes ago. The others had texted to say they would be there in 35 minutes. He had felt guilt for how he acted towards them but he couldn’t risk them finding out his deep, dark secrets. He would deal with them on his own, he couldn’t bring them down with him.

He looked up from a spot he had been staring at on the floor when he noticed the reflection of two people in the mirror. The two people he despised most in the world.

“Y.... y..... you’re not real” he stuttered.

“We are just as real as you are” his fathers reflection smirked.

“No.... you’re dead. You can’t be here.”

“We will always be here Changkyun.... always. This is your punishment. We are dead because of you.”

“No! You’re dead because of an accident, I...I didn’t do anything..... I didn’t.”

“You were born, that’s what started all of this. You caused me and your mother so much misfortune. We could have been so happy if you weren’t around.”

“I never asked to be born” he choked out.

“Well, we never wanted you born either. We wished you to disappear so many times.”

“Please.... stop. Just stop” he cried.

“You deserved everything you got, we would do it all over again.” They both began to laugh evilly.

“Stop. STOP IT!” Changkyun yelled before grabbing a chair. Before he could launch it at the mirrors, the reflections were gone. It was all in his head but they felt so real.

He dropped the chair, sobbing into the crook of his arm.

——————————————————

The others arrived 20 minutes later. Changkyun had managed to erase any evidence that he had been crying by the time they had arrived.

“Kyun...” kihyun placed his hand on the younger boy’s shoulder “..... we didn’t mean to upset you this morning. We were just scared from last night.”

Chankgyun had a somber and guilty look in his eyes. “It’s ok. I shouldn’t have gotten so angry. I’m sorry I worried you like that but I promise you it was just stress. It’s been overwhelming but I.... I’m going to be ok, I will be ok.”

Kihyun wasn’t sure who the boy was trying to convince. “Kyun, you know we are here if you need to talk to us,... about anything.”

“I... I know hyung and I’m grateful but I swear that’s all it was, you have to believe me.”

They all saw the desperation in the younger’s eyes, it made them feel so sad for him.

“Ok Kyun, ok. Just know that we can’t help but worry. You scared us last night but we can’t judge you like we did. None of us know what you are going through but we are trying to understand.”

“It’s ok, I know. It’s just been a hell of a week but I will be ok...” he paused for a few moments. “Can we just focus on the comeback hyung. It will be good for me to focus on the comeback.”

Shownu stepped forward this time. “Ok Kyun, if that’s what you need then that’s what we will do.” He gave the younger a reassuring smile which the boy returned.

He watched as the others went off to set their bags down. What they missed as they had their backs to him was the look of fear the maknae had in his eyes as he stared at the mirrors where the reflection of his parents had stood 20 minutes before. 

———————————

Dance practice had lasted for 3 hours. Once it had ended, they all decided to go off to their separate studios, not before making sure that the maknae was ok which he assured he was.

He knew he wasn’t going to get any work done in there though due to the dark thoughts clouding his mind. He was beginning to believe he was going crazy, why else would he be seeing the reflection of his dead parents.

He was pulled from his thoughts when he noticed a notification for a voicemail on his phone. It was from his uncle. His uncle that he had stormed out on a few days ago.

Curiosity was an understatement as his finger hovered over the button he had to press to listen to it. It got the better of him as he placed the phone to his ear.

_** “Changkyun, I don’t like how we left it. I’m worried about you, please don’t do anything stupid because you are worth so much more than that. I know it’s hard to hear but it’s better to get the help rather than allowing all those thoughts to fester. Please Changkyun, tell someone before it’s too late” ** _

He placed the phone down after deleting the message, still having the same thoughts he did in the coffee house. He still believed he was past saving and that telling someone would do no good. For now he was just going to deal with it the best way he knew how.

Rummaging through the pocket on the front of his rucksack, he pulled out a familiar object. The sharp and cold silver felt at home between his fingers. After today’s events, this is exactly the relief he needed.


	8. Admitting the unbearable

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter isn’t great, I had a some writers block with it. I hope you enjoy reading though.

“Kyun. Hey, Changkyun..” Jooheon gently shook the sleeping boy “...Kyun, it’s nearly 8, we need to get going soon.”

The younger slowly came too, trying to familiarise himself with his surroundings. “Huh...what?” He groggily asked as he wiped the sleep from his eyes.

“It’s nearly 8, we need to leave for the company soon if we want to spend the day working on our rap portions for the comeback.”

“Ok, I’m awake. I’m awake.”

“Breakfast is on the table but you need to be quick” Jooheon stated as he smiled at the younger before exiting the room. 

The two rappers were going to spend their day working on some lyrics and beats while the others went to vocal practices. Jooheon had made the suggestion to spend today working together, mainly so he could spend some time with the younger. He was hoping that the boy might open up to him about what was going on in his head. The two were extremely close so this was his hope.

Changkyun took a few minutes before deciding to take a shower first before breakfast. In truth, he wasn’t all that hungry to begin with.

He removed his shirt and caught sight of his back in the mirror. It was covered in many marks and scars. Some he could remember clearly how he got. However, it got to a point when his parents would cause these and he just stopped caring altogether because there were too many to even count anymore. He had managed to hide these from everyone, it was another part of him that caused him to feel disgust for himself.

He eyed them all one last time before sighing and removing the rest of his clothes. 

——————————————

4 hours had passed since they arrived at the company. They decided to work in Jooheon’s studio as it was a bit more spacious. In all, they had made good progress. Changkyun’s mind being preoccupied with ideas rather than dark thoughts. 

Jooheon pressed save on their latest document before smiling to himself and the younger. “Lunch break I think, I brought us sandwiches and sodas to save going to the canteen. We can eat it here.”

“Sounds good hyung.”

Jooheon grabbed his rucksack, taking out the food and drink before passing a sandwich and soda to the younger.

For a few minutes, they ate in silence. Jooheon kept eyeing the boy, wanting to ask him how he was doing with everything but he didn’t know how. He didn’t want to push the boy. “So Kyun, are you getting enough sleep, I’ve noticed you’ve been tossing and turning a few times over the past couple of days?” The words sounded silly to the elder rapper once he had asked but he had to start somewhere.

Changkyun gave him a questioning look as if to say ‘why are you asking me this now?’  
He took a second to finish his mouthful before replying. “Erm.... yeah, I’m ok. Just been struggling to get to sleep, that’s all. It’s been too hot in the dorm lately.”

“Are you sure that’s all it is?”

“Yeah, why?”

“Oh nothing. It’s just errr... well, I’ve heard you talking in your sleep. Sounded like some sort of dream or nightmare.”

“Doesn’t everyone have those” the younger chuckled nervously.

“Yeah.... yeah I guess. I just thought that maybe you had something on your mind that was bothering you. I know you are stressed.”

“It’s nothing hyung, that’s all they are. They are just dreams. I’m ok, I promise.”

Jooheon rubbed his neck nervously. “You know you can talk to me Kyun. If there is something you want to tell me then I’m here. You are my little brother.”

In that moment, Changkyun could hear his uncles voice in his head telling him to tell someone. It was a small voice on a constant loop. He opened his mouth as if ready to tell Jooheon something when he caught a glimpse of the mirror. His parents reflection stared back at him.

The younger gasped and in the process knocked his open soda over. The liquid flew over Jooheon and his new microphone and headphones.

The elder quickly jumped up, swearing quickly under his breathe due to shock.

“Oh my god, I’m.... im sorry. I’m so sorry” the younger rushed out, quickly grabbing some tissues to wipe down the desk. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry.”

Jooheon collected himself as he eyed the boy who was wiping down the soaked equipment.  
“Kyun, it’s ok, don’t worry about it” he stated, placing his hand on the younger’s shoulder. What he didn’t expect was for the maknae to flinch back as quick as he did. For a moment he was sure he saw a look of fear pass the boy’s eyes.

“I....I’m s....sorry, it’s was an accident, I promise. I....I didn’t mean to” he stuttered.

“Kyun, slow down. It’s fine see...” he gestured for the younger to look at the equipment that was still working perfectly fine. “No damage done.”  
He placed his hand back on the younger’s shoulders which were shaking. This time though, he didn’t flinch away. 

“I’m sorry Jooheon, it really was an accident.” He was struggling to hold back his tears.

“It’s fine Kyun ok. Don’t worry” he gave Changkyun a reassuring smile.

“I.... I need to go to the bathroom, I’ll be back in a moment.” His voice sounded so small as he exited the studio. He missed the look of confusion and concern Jooheon gave him.

How he managed to keep his breathing under control during the 30 second walk to the bathroom he did not know. As soon as he entered however and knowing it was empty, his breathing picked up. His knuckles were turning white from how hard he was gripping the sink.

A minute passed before he looked up to the mirrors. Horror crossed his face as the two reflections were staring back at him again.

“No, go away... go away.”

“Don’t speak to me and your father that way, you ungrateful little boy. How is it that you manage to destroy everything you touch.”

“You’re not real, you’re not real” he repeated over and over like a mantra.

“You can see us, can’t you. We will always be here. Just look how pathetic you are, like you have always been. I tried to man you up the best way I knew how” his fathers reflection spat.

“No....no.... you hurt me. You did those things to me.”

“Say it. Go on, say it.”

“No! N....no” he choked out.

“Say it. Say what you think I did to you. Say it. SAY IT!”

“R....RAPED ME. You r...raped me.” Changkyun cried out.

“No. I tried to man you up. I tried to make you a good son. You’re just pathetic and worthless. You will always be worthless.” 

Changkyun could only sink to his knees and sob as he listened to the distorted laughter. He stayed like this for the next couple of minutes.

10 minutes passed before he made his way back to the studio, putting on a front like nothing had happened. He couldn’t let Jooheon know what he saw, he would think he was crazy. Maybe he was.

“Chankgyun, are you ok?”

“Yeah” he stated bluntly as if no emotion present at all. “Where were we?”

This worried Jooheon to no end. The boy in front of him looked like Changkyun but it certainly didn’t sound like him. It was like there was no soul there. He put it down to the boy getting stressed over spilling the drink but a part of him also knew there was more to what had happened than the maknae was letting on. He would have to keep an eye on him and let the others know what had happened.


	9. Secrets unraveling

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I honestly haven’t had the motivation for writing this past week, but I’m trying. If you didn’t know, the uk is now going into another month of lockdown starting Thursday which means I will not be working for a full month 😔. I work in the hospitality trade and it has been suffering a lot this year, the same as lots of people and places. Hopefully we can get past this and have somewhat of a good Christmas. Anyway, I hope everyone is staying safe and you are all well.

The elder members had been watching their maknae like hawks. He had been becoming more withdrawn and less talkative. They tried their best to get him to join in on activities and discussions but most of the time he did it with a forced smile. It was the same when they would do videos for monbebe’s. Jooheon had told the leader about what had occurred at the studio which only made him worry more. He knew Changkyun had to open up to them but he also couldn’t afford to push the boy away.

Today, shownu had decided to go for a walk in one of the private parks along the river. He wanted Changkyun to come with him so they could have a bit of one on one time. After asking and pestering the boy for 15 minutes, he finally agreed. A small victory shownu thought to himself.

They had grabbed a couple of coffees from a small stand before entering the park. It was peaceful, not many people visited this park. Especially in the winter. Both boys were wrapped up in warm coats and soft scarves, still able to feel the cold winter chill.

Shownu looked over to the younger who seemed to be in a world of his own. He had barely uttered a word for the past 10 minutes that they had been walking. Shownu felt sad knowing that the boy hardly smiled anymore, he missed his smile.  
When he saw a bench, he ushered for the boy to take a seat to which he obliged.

“It’s so peaceful out here, isn’t it.”

“I guess” Changkyun whispered sadly.

Shownu could sense his distanced tone. He couldn’t bare seeing the boy so quiet, a shell of who he use to be.  
“Kyun.”

“Hmm”

“Look. I’m going to be honest, I’m worried about you, we all are.”

This statement caught the younger’s attention, who finally looked up to the elder member. “I’m fine hyung, honest.”

“Don’t take me for being naive kyun.”  
Shownu said as he eyed the boy who fidgeted nervously. For a moment he thought Changkyun would brush him off again with frustration. However, that didn’t happen this time.

“I......I know.”

“I don’t want to push you Kyun but I’m scared that you’re fading away. Ever since your parents accident it’s like you’ve become distanced. I just want to understand Kyun, please.”

“You love your parents, right hyung?” 

Shownu was thrown slightly off guard by the question. “I do Kyun, yes.”

“I wish I knew what that was like, I always wished I could have that” he stated solemnly.

“Kyun. Why would you say that, what happened between you and your parents?” He watched as Changkyun shifted once again, staring at a spot of frost on the path.

“I..... I tried to be a good son but I wasn’t the son they wanted. They didn’t love me like normal parents should love their children.”

“I’m sure that’s not true Kyun.”

The younger looked up to the leader who could see the pain and sadness clearly in the maknae’s eyes.  
“They didn’t hyung, trust me. They didn’t. You know.... they use to tell me things, horrible things.”

“Like what Changkyun. It’s ok, you can tell me” he placed a comforting hand on the younger’s leg.

Changkyun hesitated for a moment before replying. “That they wished I was never born and that everything was my fault. They use to say that all I caused them was pain and misery.”

“You know that’s not true Kyun. You don’t believe that do you?”

The boy shrugged. “They said that I deserved..... that I deserved....” he stopped himself.

“Deserved what?”

Changkyun only looked at the leader before placing his emotional wall back up. “Nothing” he whispered.

“Kyun, you can tell me.”

“It’s nothing hyung. I’ll be ok. Can we just go home now please.”

The elder knew he shouldn’t push anymore, he knew it must have taken a lot for the boy to even say what he did. He only nodded before pulling Changkyun to his feet.

—————————————-

Changkyun had retired to his room, stating he was tired and was going to take a nap. Shownu had taken himself to the living room to join the 5 others.

“How did it go hyung?” Hyungwon asked, switching off the tv.

The elder only sighed before crossing his arms. “Not great. He opened up to me slightly but then the wall went back up and he shut me out again. He’s struggling, I know that.”

“What did you find out?”

“Well, just that his parents were basically assholes. They were emotional abusing him and I think he believes everything they said.”

“I guess once you’re told something for so long then you would start to believe it” kihyun spoke up. “What did they say to him?”

“Horrible things. That he was to blame for everything that went wrong with their lives and that he wasn’t wanted as a son.”

“That’s disgusting, what sort of person tells their own children that?” Jooheon asked with a scowl.

“Ones that don’t deserve to have children. That wasn’t all, he was going to tell me something else. He said that they told him he deserved something but he didn’t say what. I know there’s more to this than just emotional abuse. I saw the fear in his eyes but he cut himself off before he could tell me. It was like he was scared of something or someone and it stopped him from telling me.”

“What did they do to him?” Minhyuk asked rhetorically, looking down the hallway to the maknae’s room.

———————————————

It was a couple of hours later. The vocal line had gone to the company building after receiving a call about a problem with a part of their recording. This left Jooheon who had been sat watching tv in the living area and Changkyun who had woken up and was sitting on the end of his bed.

He was sat staring at the long mirror leant up against his wall. He had placed a blanket over it. When he had woken up, all he saw was his parents reflection which only caused fear to strike him like a bolt of lightning. He quickly placed the blanket over it, he just didn’t want to see them anymore.

In his hand now however was a new blade stained with red between his finger tips, his t- shirt sat next to him. The fact he had to do this to himself made him feel like more of a failure. The tears started mixing with the red liquid oozing from the new self inflicted wounds on his stomach.

He was pulled from his thoughts when the door handle turned. Quickly, he stood up, tossing the blade into a pile of clothes and grabbed his t-shirt to put back on. 

However, the door opened as he had his back to the door, which was unfortunately still on show. Changkyun had not being quick enough to cover it.

“Changkyun, I....” Jooheon paused in shock as he stared at the maknae’s back which quickly disappeared from sight under the t-shirt.

“Don’t you knock!” Changkyun stated angrily, straightening out his t-shirt.

“I....I’m sorry. Kyun.... your... your back.”

“It’s nothing ok. You didn’t see anything” he stated defensively.

“No kyun, I saw everything. Your back is covered in marks and scars. That’s not nothing. Who did that to you?” He could see the younger become extremely uncomfortable.

“They are none of your business. No one did it.”

That’s when Jooheon noticed the red staining it’s way through the boy’s t-shirt. Not only that, but something in the corner of his eye caught his attention. A blade, a blade covered in red. A shocking realisation hit him as his eyes returned back to the maknae.

Changkyun saw that Jooheon had seen. He had seen what he wanted to keep secret.

“Kyun, please tell me that you aren’t hurting yourself.”

“I don’t have to tell you anything, it’s got nothing to do with you.”

“It’s got everything to do with me. I care about you and I’m worried. You are hurting yourself, you are in pain and we just want to help.”

“I don’t need your help, I don’t need anyone’s help, I can handle it by myself. Just like I always have. Please Jooheon. You.... you can’t say anything, please.” He was now stood right in-front of the elder, desperation evident in his teary eyes.

“Kyun, you can’t keep this to yourself. You need help.”

“You can’t tell anyone. If you do I will just deny it. I’ll just say you lied.” He said, his tone still desperate but now angry.

“Kyun, please. We just want to help you. You can talk to someone.”

“Please Jooheon, just give me time. I promise I’ll stop, I promise. I just had a weak moment but I’ll stop. Just give me some more time before you say anything, promise me.”

“Kyun I....”

“Promise me” he said, as a single tear fell from his eye.

Jooheon knew he should tell someone and he was going to but he couldn’t let the boy know that now. It would only push him away. “Ok Kyun, I won’t but you have to promise me you will stop.”

“I....I promise.”

Jooheon pulled the boy into a hug, knowing that he was going to have to betray the younger and break his promise to him. He couldn’t keep this a secret, not when Changkyun was hurting himself. “Let’s get you cleaned up, ok.”


	10. Broken trust

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapters a bit of a mess but hey, Enjoy.

It was the following day and Changkyun had decided to go to the company to work on some music by himself. He was up before everyone else except Jooheon who he barely uttered a word to before leaving.

Once the others were up, Jooheon had made the difficult decision to tell them what had occurred the night before. He felt awful for breaking Changkyun’s trust but he knew he had to put the boys health and safety first.

To say they were all in shock was an understatement. They couldn’t believe that their maknae would resort to physical hurting himself. 

“.....the marks on his back, what exactly did you see Jooheon?” Shownu asked with a serious tone.

“I only saw it for a few seconds but there were so many. Some looked like cigarette burns while others looked like the shape of a belt buckle. There were so many hyung, so many.”

“Do you.... do you think this had something to do with his parents?” Minhyuk interjected, worry clear in his tone.

Shownu sighed, placing his head in his hands. “I mean, it makes sense. It’s clear there was more to his relationship with his parents than he was letting on but I didn’t imagine this.”

Wonho and kihyun had tears in their eyes. The thought of Changkyun being hurt that badly by the people who were supposed to love him unconditionally broke their hearts.

“I just didn’t know what to do hyung. He looked so scared and angry when I saw. He made me promise not to tell but how could I not. I feel awful for breaking his trust.”

Shownu placed a comforting hand on the rapper’s shoulder. “You did the right thing Jooheon. We can’t let him carry on hurting himself the way he is. It’s only going to end badly.”

“What are we going to do now, he won’t want to listen to us.”

“I think we are going to have to take it to management, we can find someone for him to talk to. He needs help even if he doesn’t want to admit it.”

“But he will hate me, he will hate me for letting you all know.”

“He won’t hate you Jooheon. He may not see it now but it’s what is best for him in the long run.”

The members made the decision to go to the company that day, when they knew Changkyun would still be working in his studio. They had to do something to help him. Shownu had rung their manager to set up a meeting ASAP.

————————————————

It was 7 in the evening and Changkyun was struggling to keep his eyes open. He had barely slept the night before after Jooheon had found out but he knew Jooheon would keep his secret, he had to. 

Changkyun was scrolling through a few of the beats he had made when there was a knock at his studio door.

“Come in” he said as he kept his attention on the screen in front of him.

“Changkyun-ssi, the manager would like to talk to you in the meeting room.” The staff member bowed before exiting.

That was strange Changkyun thought. The manager didn’t normally do meetings with Idols with such short notice. He quickly saved his files before making his way towards the company meeting room. What he didn’t expect to be met with was the 6 faces of his fellow members as well as the managers. He had a sinking feeling in the pit of his stomach. 

“Changkyun, please close the door and take a seat.”

The younger did as asked not before eyeing Jooheon who was guiltily looking down towards the table.

“What is this about hyung?”

The elder man sighed, a somber look taking over his eyes. “Some worrying information has come to my attention Changkyun. Information about the state of your health.”

“I...I don’t know what you mean.”

“Changkyun, I know you are not stupid. I think you know exactly what i am talking about.”  
Changkyun gave Jooheon an angry look before returning his focus to the manager.  
“Your health is very important to us and I think it be in your best interest that you talk to a councillor or psychiatrist.”

“But I’m fine. I don’t know what you’ve been told but I’m ok.”

“It’s clear to us since the death of your parents that you have not been 100%. You have been purposely hurting yourself Changkyun.” He sighed once more. “Until I see evidence that your physical and mental health have improved I will be putting you on temporary hiatus. This is for your benefit Changkyun, we want you to be healthy and well.”

“You.... you can’t do that. That’s not fair.”

“I’m sorry but my word is final.”

“Changkyun...” kihyun started “....this is for your own good. You need help, please just go to the appointment we made. Please.”

Changkyun was prepared to protest until he saw the desperation in his members eyes. He couldn’t confront them here, not in front of the manager. “Fine” he spat.

———————————————

The members arrived home an hour later, no one had uttered a word. They had barely removed their coats and stepped into the living room.

“Its a positive step you’ve made Changkyun, going to that.....” kihyun was cut of by the maknae’s angry voice.

“You!” He spat, pointing a finger at Jooheon. 

“Kyun, I...”

“Don’t Kyun me. How could you!”

“Don’t blame Jooheon, he did what he thought was best. You need help.” Wonho said, placing himself between the two rappers in case things got hairy.

“How could you, I trusted you. I trusted you Jooheon and you do this. No one was suppose to know” he was bordering on sobbing now. “I can’t even continue with work because the manager thinks I’m crazy.”

“He doesn’t think you are crazy Kyun. He just wants you to get help. We all do.” Shownu stated.

“I don’t need help. You are just as bad as them.”

“As who?”

“My....MY PARENTS. All you want to do is control me and hurt me just like them.”

“We are nothing like your parents Kyun. We care about you.”

“Clearly.”

“We never physically hurt you did we, we love you.”

Changkyun was lost for words as he took a step back. The manager had only implied they knew about the self harming, he thought Jooheon had only told them about that. “They..... they never hit me. I don’t know what you are talking about” he was shaking now.

“Stop playing dumb Kyun. Jooheon told us about the marks on your back and we know damn well you didn’t do them to yourself. What did they do to you Kyun? Please tell us. Let us help you.”

“N....no I....I don’t know what you are talking about. I.... I’m going to my room.”

“Changkyun wait, please” Wonho said as he began following the younger only to have the bedroom door slammed in his face.  
“Changkyun, open the door, please. Please.”

“I’m fine wonho. I just need to be alone, please just give me some time.”

“Ok Kyun, ok. We will be out here when you are ready to come out but just know we love you.”

“I....I know, that’s why I have to go” he whispered to himself, quiet enough that the others didn’t hear.

—————————————————-

A couple of hours had gone by and the rest of the members were all passed out on the sofas in the living area. 

Changkyun had been quietly sobbing to himself for those hours as he packed a small rucksack. He had placed his warmest hoodie and joggers on.

Quietly, he opened the bedroom door and carefully walked into the living area. He checked to make sure every member was deep asleep before making his way over to the front door. He looked back one last time with tears in his eyes before whispering “I’m sorry”.

Just like that, he was gone.


	11. Runaway

Jooheon slowly opened his eyes noting that it was still dark outside. His phone lit up, showing it was barely half 3 in the morning. Looking around, he saw that the others were all still sound asleep on the sofas. He decided in that moment that he would go and check on the maknae. 

Tiredly, he walked to the closed door, placing a couple of quiet knocks on it. After a minute and receiving no answer, he opened the door, taking note that it was no longer locked.

“Kyun, hey Changkyun.” There was still no answer so he switched on the light. What he was met with was an empty bed.

“Kyun, Kyun.” He started repeating as he checked every part of the room before moving to the bathroom. Yet again it was empty. He then made his way to the other bedrooms but it was the same story.

“Guys, guys! Wake up.” He shouted as he came running down the hallway.

This did the trick as they all began to stir awake.

“Hmm. It’s early Jooheon. What are you doing?” Minhyuk whined.

“It’s Changkyun!” They all sat straight up at this.

“He’s not in his room, he’s not anywhere in the dorm.”

“What?” Kihyun asked worriedly.

“His rucksack as well as a few of his clothes are gone. He’s gone.”

The others stood up at this, racing around each room of the dorm to validate what Jooheon was telling them. None of them could find any sign of the boy which only caused more panic.

“I’ll call the company, see if he’s there or if anyone has seen him” shownu stated, hurriedly rushing off to dial their managers number.

“This is all my fault” Jooheon whispered as he dejectedly sat down on the edge of the sofa.

A comforting hand found it’s way onto his shoulder.

“Hey, we don’t know anything yet. He might have gone out to get some fresh air.” Kihyun said.

“What, with his rucksack, I don’t think so. He was so mad hyung, I did that. I broke my promise. It’s my fault.”

“None of this is your fault ok. This was his parents doing and right now we need to focus on finding him.”

“I...I just hope he’s ok.”

—————————————————

Changkyun had no clue what he was doing. His mind was just racing. The truth about his parents was starting to unravel and he couldn’t take it. He had to get away, away from them. Away from everyone who now knew part of the truth. So that’s what he did. He managed to get a night bus out of Seoul. He got off after an hour of riding and now had no idea where he was. What he did know was that he was sat in a shabby motel room, in a quiet town. He was all alone except for the reflections staring back at him.

“Are you happy now” he cried.

“You did this to yourself. You drive everyone away. You think they care about you? Do you?” His mother’s reflection grinned evilly at the boy.

Changkyun threw his jacket over the mirror. “Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!” He sobbed into his hands, dried blood still on them from another self-inflicted wound.

————————————————

Shownu came rushing into the living area, eyeing the members who were sat in various states of fear and worry for their maknae.

“What did they say hyung?” Hyungwon asked with desperation.

“One staff member spotted him leaving a couple of hours ago with his rucksack. They didn’t see where he went but they said he looked in a hurry, that he looked like he had been crying. They said we need to go and take a look at his studio, that it’s in a right state.”

“What about his credit cards, can’t they check to see if he’s used them somewhere.”

“He hasn’t got them with him, they found his phone smashed to pieces in one of the company bins as well. We need to go to his studio, see if we can find anything to help us tell where he is.”

————————————————

When they arrived at the company, they had run straight to Changkyun’s studio. What they were met with shocked them.

Papers were thrown everywhere, ornaments were broken into pieces on the floor. The couple of mirrors that stood against the wall were covered over with paper stuck haphazardly with tape.

“Oh my gosh. What did he do?” Hyungwon asked sadly as he stepped over broken pieces of material.

“He’s not ok. Something is seriously wrong with him and we need to find him now.”

“Hey, look at this” Minhyuk whispered as he handed a crumpled piece of paper to the leader.

**_ “ They know. They know now. I can’t bare them knowing. They will hate me just as much as I hate myself. I have to leave them, I have to let them get on with their lives. It’s only right. Are you happy now, you destroyed my whole childhood and now you still are even in death. I want to stop seeing you, it’s painful hearing you. I want it all to go away, make it go away”  _ **

They all had tears in their eyes as Shownu read it out loud.

“We need to show this to the manager. I...I think he might do something stupid.”

“Oh god. Please Kyun, please don’t do anything to yourself. Please let us find you” Jooheon whispered to himself.

“Hyung, look” Wonho almost yelled as he handed a business card to the elder. “The name on it has the same last name as Kyun. Maybe they know something about were he is.”

Shownu eyed the business card as well as the note in his other hand. “Let’s take them both to the manager. We need to find him and soon.”

———————————————-

“The police are out searching for him now. As for the name on the business card, I had a staff member call him. Turns out it’s Changkyun’s uncle.”

They all looked at the manager with slight shock and confusion. “He never mentioned anything about an uncle” Wonho stated.

“Yes well, the man said they weren’t close. There was a troubled past and he lost contact with the boy. What he did say was troubling however.”

“What did he say hyung?”

“That he told the boy he should get some help for what happened to him in his past but Changkyun brushed him off. He didn’t say much after that but he is travelling down from Gwangju later tonight.”

They all looked between each other knowing none of this information was good.

“Now I suggest you all go back to the dorm.”

“What? Why? Not while he’s still out there, all alone.”

“Look. We have police and staff out looking for him and we won’t stop looking for him until we find him. I know you are worried about him but it will not do all of you any good running yourself’s ragged around the streets of Seoul. You need to stay at the dorm in case he comes back. We will find him.”

They knew the manager was right. It wouldn’t do any good if they were all spotted looking for the younger. A news report and media on his disappearance is the last thing they needed right now. They just hoped it wouldn’t have to come to that.


	12. Missing

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Going into 5th day of lockdown and the days honestly feel like they are getting longer. Anyway, hope you are all well.

It was now 9 in the morning and the members had yet to hear anything on Changkyun’s whereabouts. Everyone except Wonho and Jooheon had retreated to the bedrooms, frustrated at having to wait around rather than be out there helping.

Wonho placed a cup of hot coffee infront of the younger boy, sitting in the seat next to him.

“Thanks hyung.”

Wonho gave a small smile, attempting to give the rapper some sort of reassurance. They hated this, not knowing where the maknae was. Not knowing if he was ok or if he was in a bad state somewhere. 

“You know, I keep thinking back to the no mercy days. We treated him so coldly. To think, after everything he went through and he just took it from us. Why were we so horrible? If we knew, if I knew then I could have helped him.”

“Hey, none of us were to know but I understand what you’re saying. I can’t believe he was facing all of that and more.”

“I just want him home hyung, why won’t he come home.” Jooheon was on the verge of tears as he said this.

“I know Jooheon. I just want him here safe too. He’s not in the right state of mind at the moment but you know none of this is your fault though right?”

“I...I’m not so sure anymore.”

Wonho placed his cup down, moving his arm so it was round the younger’s shoulders. “None of this is your fault. You did the right thing.”

“But he wouldn’t have run off if I hadn’t told you all.”

“I don’t think that’s necessarily true. I think his Pandora’s box was already opening. He’s been through so much that I think when the death of his parents happened, that was the catalyst that started the downfall of his mental health. He needs help and we are going to be there for him.”

“I feel so useless just sitting here, we should be out there looking for him.”

The elder sighed, the same frustrations that Jooheon had also flooded his mind. “I know, but like the manager said, we should be here in case he comes back.”

“Yeah... if he comes back... if.”

Just at that moment, they heard footsteps from the hallway. They both looked to see shownu reaching for his jacket.

“Where are you going?” Wonho questioned. He would be lying if he hadn’t wished that the elder replied by saying he was going to pick up the maknae, that they found him. Unfortunately, that wasn’t the case. 

“They haven’t found him, they’ve found nothing. I’m going to go out and look myself. I’m fed up of just waiting around.”

“Wait, we will come with you” Jooheon stated, rushing from the table to grab his jacket. However, he was stopped by shownu blocking the door.  
“Hyung?”

“You need to stay here with everyone else. It won’t be good if we are all seen out on the streets, the media will catch wind and we can’t afford that distraction right now. Wonho, please call me if you hear anything.”

“But hyung” Jooheon interjected with desperation.

“Jooheon please. I promise I will call you if I find him but you need to stay here in case he comes back. His uncle will be arriving in Seoul tonight, I’ll be back then.”

Jooheon eyed the elder for a few moments, knowing he was right but that didn’t mean he was happy about it. He rubbed his teary eyes before taking a seat back at the table.

“We are going to find him, I don’t care how long it takes, we will find him” shownu stated, unsure of who he was actually trying to convince. The front door shut seconds after.

———————————————

Changkyun was sat in the grubby room, flicking through the news channels. He hadn’t slept all night, he just sat there crying. Occasionally checking his wounds to make sure they had stopped bleeding. He had been flicking through the same 5 news channels for the past hour.

“See. No one cares about you. If they cared then it would be on the news. You are just a worthless waste of space Changkyun” his fathers reflection spat.

Changkyun had been trying his best to ignore the abuse that was been hurled at him but it just seemed to be getting louder and louder.

“You are a no one. You always have been. You couldn’t even stand up for yourself against us.”

“Shut up, j...just stop” he whispered, tears threatening to fall. He was pulled from his thoughts by a loud knock at the door. He quickly got up, pulling the hood of his hoodie half way over his face to hide his red eyes.

He opened the door to the manager of the motel. He was a stocky looking man wearing a white vest top and sporting half a head of hair. The smell of cigarettes hit Changkyun like a brick.

“Next nights money or out.” He said with no emotion at all.

“Give me a couple of hours and you will get it.”

The man eyed him for a minute which only made the boy nervous. “Don’t I know you from somewhere?” He asked, taking a puff of his cigarette.

“N...no, I don’t think so. I’m just a nobody, just a nobody.”

The man took a few seconds before seeming to accept the stuttering boys answer. He exhaled the smoke once more. “Ok Mr nobody, I want the money on the front desk in 2 hours or you are out. Understand. I’m not running a charity here.”

“O....ok. 2 hours. Got it” he said, watching the man turn to descend the stairs. He closed the door soon after. He didn’t have enough money to pay for another night, he had no clue what he was going to do. No phone, no credit cards. He was all alone. What he did know was that he couldn’t go back. 

He soon returned to his spot on the bed, once again flicking through the same news channels.

———————————————

“CHANGKYUN! KYUN!” Shownu shouted as he walked round the abandoned building.

Shownu had spent the best part of his morning and afternoon running round back streets and abandoned places looking for the maknae. Avoiding areas where he might be seen by fans or media. 

He was only getting more worried as the sky was getting dark, meaning Changkyun would likely be alone for another night. He felt like a failure as a leader. All he wanted to do was protect all the members and now one of them was missing, possible hurt or worse.

He stopped to catch his bearings, taking a seat on a concrete block. It was there that he allowed the first tears to finally fall.

“I’m sorry Kyun. I’m sorry I’m failing you. Please come home, please” he whispered.

He continued crying for a few minutes when his phone began to ring. Checking the caller ID, he saw it was their manager.

He quickly pulled himself together as fast as he could before answering. “H...hello. Yes I’ll be right there.” He hung up soon after, the manager informing him that Changkyun’s uncle had arrived at the company.

The leader looked around one last time before sighing, making his way out of the desolate building.

———————————————-

The others were already sat down waiting in the meeting room when Shownu arrived.

“Sorry I’m late, you must be Changkyun’s uncle” he said, reaching out to shake the man’s hand.

“Yes, nice to meat you, under the circumstances.” Both men took a seat. “I came here as fast as I could but not before checking areas of Gwangju, including his old home.”

“Is there anywhere else you can think off where he might go?” Kihyun asked.

“Not that I know off. If he was in as bad a state as you were telling me then he would go anywhere to get away from everyone.”

“He never mentioned anything about an uncle.”

“He wouldn’t, we weren’t exactly close. I hadn’t seen him for years before his parents deaths. His mother and father took him away. I tried to help him but I couldn’t find him, I never stopped looking.”

“What do you mean you tried to help him?” Minhyuk questioned.

“I was going to get him away from his parents but they took him before I could.”

“So you knew they were physically abusing him?” Wonho had slight anger in his tone.

The elder sighed. “I had my suspicions, yes. The bruises kept appearing. Then one day, I walked in on his father.... his father...” his sentence broke off.

“What, his father what?”

“Look, it’s not my place to say but just know what that boy went through would destroy anyone. It wasn’t just the emotional and physical abuse.”

“There was more?”

“Yes, but like I said, It’s not my place to tell you. Anyway, I saw he made it on that tv show and that’s when I knew he had got away. Fast forward to his parents deaths, we met up in Gwangju but he got angry when I suggested he should get some help. It wasn’t just anger but I saw the fear in his eyes. We need to find him before he does anything stupid.”

“We.... we know. The police have been out looking for him non-stop.” Shownu stated.

The elder man rubbed the back of his neck nervously. “It might be time to start thinking about putting out a news appeal. He hasn’t got his wallet or phone with him. It’s blatantly obvious to me that he doesn’t want to be found, especially not in the state of mind he must be in.”

“You might be right.” Shownu said, sighing dejectedly. This was the last thing they wanted to do but it might be what they needed to do.


	13. Public knowledge

_ Flashback.... _

_Changkyun sat staring at the email received from starship. He had been accepted into the company as a trainee and was due to travel to soeul in 3 weeks time. He just had to make it another 3 weeks then he would be free. Free from the abuse and pain suffered at the hands of his parents._

_He winced as he stood up, moving over to his mirror. Under his shirt was an array of colourful bruises, his face just as bad. His parents normally avoided his face to prevent suspicions arising but this time they were so angry. His left eye was nearly fully swollen shut while his split lip was throbbing._

_The argument started from such a trivial thing, the boy had forgotten to put his school bag in his room. Big mistake as his mother had tripped and nearly completely fallen over. It was just shouting until he made the error of calling her a bitch. It was a slip of the tongue, he was just so angry and emotional. When he saw his father had heard, he knew he had made a massive error. The man came storming towards him, throwing a direct punch to his jaw. From there was a couple minutes worth of pure verbal and physically attack. When they had finished, they left him there to go out for dinner. Changkyun cried as he slowly picked himself up, limping painfully to his bedroom. How they hadn’t killed him right there and then, he did not know._

_His line of sight moved from the mirror to the razor blade sat on his dresser. He knew it would be hard for other people to understand how he could be in so much pain but want to cause himself more. In his mind, it gave him relief but also was a sort of punishment for him after years of believing his parents spiteful words. However, it was too painful to stand up, as much as he desired it in that moment._

_Instead, he laid down. Curling into a foetal position, his body crying out in pain. It didn’t take long before unconsciousness overtook him._

_...End of flashback_

Changkyun’s mind was pulled from the memory as he sat alone on the cold secluded park bench. The night sky was clear, every star visible to his teary eyes.

The motel manager had locked him out of the room after he had failed to come up with the money. Now he was alone, cold and vulnerable to the elements. His rucksack had been stolen a few hours earlier. All he had now was the clothes he was wearing.

Changkyun only believed he deserved this, he deserved to suffer and to suffer alone. He wouldn’t put anyone else through the pain of his existence. He did find his mind wandering to the thoughts of his members. Did they care he was gone? Were they happy he was missing? He certainly believed so.

A stray tear fell down his cheek as he laid down on that cold park bench, his bed for the night. Where he would end up tomorrow, he did not know. He didn’t know if he even wanted to wake up tomorrow, what would be the point?

—————————————————

“It was 5 degrees out there last night. What if something has happened to him? I want him home, I want him to come home hyung” Jooheon cried into Hyungwon’s shoulder. The elder only hugging him tightly.

No one had gotten any sleep, only making their emotional state worsen. They had received information from the police that there still had been no sign of the younger boy. They were now moving on to neighbouring cities.

“They are going to find him, he will come home.”

“They should have found him now, what if he’s lying in a ditch somewhere.”

Hyungwon pulled away from Jooheon, looking him seriously in the eye. “Hey, don’t say things like that. He’s going to be ok. We will find him and we will give him the biggest hug when we do. We can’t give up, we can’t” the elder boys voice cracked.

Jooheon nodded, unsure of whether to believe the elders words. He wanted to, he truly did but he just couldn’t. He pulled himself away, rubbing at his eyes as the other members joined them in the living room.

“Can you turn on channel 5, it’s on now” shownu asked Wonho.

Shownu had spent the morning at the company, coming up with a statement with the managers for the news. They had decided it was time to let people know what was happening because they just wanted the maknae home safe.

They watched as a professional news reader came on screen.

**_“Breaking news. Kpop idol and youngest member of Monsta X, Im Changkyun, has been reported missing. The young man went missing a couple of days ago. It is said that the rapper was not in the best mental state after the death of his parents. We now go to a statement from Monsta x’s leader, Son Hyunwoo.”_ **

They continued watching as a prerecorded clip of the leader standing outside the company building appeared.

_**“We never expected anything like this to happen. We just want Changkyun to come home so if anyone has any information to his whereabouts, please come forward and tell the police. We are concerned for his welfare and mental state at this very time. He has experienced hardships that have affected him greatly. We are doing our very best to find him. Changkyun, if you are watching this then please come home. We love you and miss you. So please, please just come home.”** _

The clip finished as the news reporter returned to their screen.

_**“As said in this clip, please let the police know of any information you might have on Im Changkyun’s whereabouts. There is also a number at the bottom of the screen for any leads you may have. There will be more on this story as it develops.”** _

Wonho turned off the tv, continuing to stare at the now blank screen. “Do you think anyone has seen him?”

“We can only hope. The police and the company are going to inform us of any information they receive. I just hope any information comes in quick” Shownu sighed, rubbing his forehead. He had wanted to cry, to allow his wall to break but he had to be strong for the members. He had to be strong for Changkyun.

————————————

Morning had broke as Changkyun opened his eyes. How he wished his eyes stayed closed for good but the universe wasn’t that generous.

He slowly sat up, shivering. It was a frosty morning and he was sure he could feel himself getting sick. His hand reached his forehead, feeling the slight warmth radiating from it. Just what he needed.

He sat for a few moments contemplating where he would end up today. No money meant no motel room and he certainly wasn’t going to go back to Seoul. He couldn’t face anyone. As he crossed his arms over his stomach, he winced.

Looking around to ensure no one was around, he lifted up his hoodie and thin t-shirt. Most of his cuts were healing and scabbed over but there was one particular one that was slightly red and raised. He gently brought his hand to it and poked it only for a stinging pain to hit him.

This had never happened before, they normal did well to heal but this particularly one was being a problem. Worry edged it’s way into his mind for a few seconds before he brushed it off. He couldn’t think about this right now. So he pulled his clothes back over his stomach, he had to think about where he was going to stay the night.


	14. So close yet so far

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> People have finally stopped setting of fireworks considering fireworks night ended 7/8 days ago. Also, one week of lockdown down, 3 more to go. That’s if they don’t extend it, the town I live in has the highest rates in the county, so who knows. Anyway, enjoy the chapter and stay safe.

Four more days had passed, the maknae still not having returned home. The police did get a tip from the bus company, they now knew that the boy had travelled an hour on one of the night buses to Yongin. The police were now able to start a search there but there had been no luck so far. The last person to be known to have seen the boy was the driver who only watched as he walked off into the night. 

The members were still being told to stay put, which they were still frustratedly against. Jooheon was the most inconsolable. It wasn’t so much crying anymore, it was more isolating himself from everyone. The rapper was still blaming himself for Changkyun’s disappearance no matter how many times the others would try and reassure him that it wasn’t his fault.

The others were trying to cope and stay sane in their own ways. Kihyun resorted to distracting himself with cleaning around the dorm. Hyungwon and Minhyuk would look at a map to try and gather ideas of were the maknae might have gone. Wonho mostly looked through all the hashtags for the missing boy as well as reading all the messages of support from monbebe’s and other idols. Shownu spent most of his time in meetings with police officers and management, all the while trying to keep his emotions in check.

Today however, everyone was at the dorm. All sat in the living/ kitchen area. They were sat in silence, eating lunch when there was a knock at the door. Everyone’s nerves were on edge as they typically now only received visits from either management or police officers.

Shownu stood to go and greet who it was. He was surprised to be met with Wonwoo and Hoshi of Seventeen. Both boys looked like they hadn’t slept all night, wearing hoodies to hide their faces.

“Sorry to bother you Shownu-ssi. We weren’t sure whether it would be a good idea to drop by or not. We have some time off so we wanted to see how you were all holding up” wonwoo said nervously.

“No, no it’s ok. Please come in” shownu replied, ushering them inside the dorm.

The two boys greeted all the members before being once again ushered to sit down.

“Sorry for intruding but we just wanted to see how you are all doing. We couldn’t believe it when we heard” Hoshi’s voice broke off.

Jooheon looked at both of them as if he was going to reply to them only to once again stare back down to the floor. Kihyun saw this, placing a comforting arm around the rapper.

“No, thank you for coming. To be honest, it’s been hard. We are all so worried about him, he hasn’t got his phone or wallet with him.”

“I... I can’t help but think if maybe we reached out to him. We always said we would meet up more but schedules and everything got in the way. If I knew how much he was struggling I would have talked to him” Hoshi said dejectedly.

Over the years, the two groups had gotten close with one another but in the kpop world, it was hard to make time to see each other. Something they all despised.

“We know how you feel. We saw he was struggling but he just kept pushing us away. The worst thing is that they aren’t even letting us look for him. They said we should stay here in case he comes back but he obviously doesn’t want to come back. We just don’t know what to do.” Wonho rubbed at his teary eyes.

Wonwoo was also near tearing up. He couldn’t believe how much the younger had been through having heard that his parents had died. Of course he didn’t know about his past. No one except Monsta X, their management, Changkyun’s uncle and the police knew.

“Everyone else sends their love. We just hope he comes home safe. If there is anything we can do please let us know.”

Shownu softly smiled at the two young boys. They were the same age as Changkyun so he couldn’t help but feel slightly protective of them. “Thank you. We really appreciate that. Changkyun is lucky to have friends like you. He’s going to need the support of all the people who care about him when he returns home. He will come home, we have to believe he will.”

————————————————

“Worthless, I’m worthless. Worthless, stupid and worthless.” Changkyun had been muttering the same words over and over to himself with chattering teeth. He had spent the past couple of nights sleeping under a secluded bridge next to a small river. He had managed to find just enough money, having been lost along the way by people, to buy himself some water and something to eat. He also managed to buy himself a bandage to cover up the sore wound on his stomach.

Next to him lay a broken shard of mirror, his parents reflection constantly staring at him for the past couple of nights. There was no talking, just staring with judgmental eyes. He wanted to give in and just fall asleep forever but the noise of the wind and cold temperatures weren’t allowing it. Part of him just wanted his nice warm bed at the dorm but he couldn’t face the members, not in this state. He did wish he had someone to talk to though. He missed how him and Jooheon would talk about their raps, he missed kihyun’s nagging. Now that they knew though, it wouldn’t be the same anymore.

He slowly sat up, wincing as the bandage rubbed against his wound. He was getting worried about it but not enough to go to a doctor. They would only think he was mad. He was also developing a fever, forehead hot to the touch. He knew this wasn’t good, it was far from good.

He tried distracting himself from the soreness and the judgmental stares of his parents reflections. Instead he thought back to his past, how one teacher could have saved him. But no one saves Changkyun, he only ever had himself.

**_ Flashback.... _ **

_ Changkyun was sat on the changing room bench, watching as all the other boys changed into their gym kits. _

_ “Changkyun, hurry up and get changed. We don’t have all day” the gym teacher stated frustratedly as he walked closer to the boy. _

_ Changkyun however didn’t make any attempt to move, only hugging his rucksack close to his chest. _

_ “Now Changkyun. The rest of the class is almost ready. We don’t have time to wait for you to mess around. _

_ “I...I can’t do gym t...today” he whispered. _

_ “What was that? Can you speak up please.” _

_ “I... I can’t do gym today. I hurt m...my ankle.” _

_ The teacher eyed the boy suspiciously. “Do you have a note?” _

_ “I...I forgot to bring it.” _

_ “No note, then no getting out of class I’m afraid. Now get changed.” _

_ “N...no” he stuttered once again. _

_ “What was that?” The teacher was getting quite agitated now. _

_ “No, I can’t do gym.” _

_ “Changkyun, get changed now or there will be consequences” the man stated firmly, ushering for the other boys to go ahead into the gym. _

_ “N...no.” _

_ The man sighed with anger. “Fine then. You have detention, lunchtime. For now you can go and sit in the principles office and explain to him why you flat out refused to do gym.” _

_ ————————— _

_ Lunchtime came round pretty quickly. Changkyun had spent most of the morning with the principal who failed to receive a proper explanation as to why the boy refused to get changed for gym. _

_ Changkyun made his way into the classroom, his gym teacher closing the door behind him. He sat down at a front row desk, pulling at his long sleeves so that his hands were hidden. He felt like the next hour was going to drag. _

_ The gym teacher sat down at the main desk, opening up a few books to mark. They sat in silence like this for the next 15 minutes. That is until the elder man heard small sniffles coming from the boy. He took his glasses off to look up to Changkyun, eyeing as a couple of tears fell onto his desk. _

_ “Changkyun, why are you crying, what’s wrong?” _

_ “Oh erm. Nothing, I’m fine.” _

_ “You are obviously not fine if you are sat there crying.” The man moved in-front of the main desk, leaning with with his back against it. _

_ “I’m fine honestly. Just a bit of hay fever.” _

_ “How naive do you think I am Changkyun?” _

_ The man watched as his student went to rub his eyes. When he did however, the sleeve of his shirt slipped up. The teacher gasped when he saw the dark, painful looking bruises on the boys arm. _

_ “Changkyun, who did that to you?” _

_ Changkyun looked confused for a moment before noticing what his teacher was staring at. He quickly pulled his sleeve back down before directing his eyes down to his desk. _

_ “Changkyun, you can talk to me. Did someone hurt you?” _

_ “It...it’s nothing, I...I fell.” _

_ “That’s not nothing Changkyun, if someone is hurting you then you can tell me. Is it another student?” _

_ “N...no. It’s no one” the boy whispered. _

_ “Is it an adult, someone at home?” _

_ Changkyun didn’t answer this time, only looking up to the man with teary eyes. How many times he had wished for someone to notice and now that someone had he was terrified. The elder man witnessed the fear in Changkyun’s eyes, clearly understanding that he had hit the nail on the head with his assumption. _

_ “Changkyun, if someone is hurting you at home. If your parents are doing that to you then you need to tell us, we can help you.” _

_ “Y...you can’t help me. No one c...can.” _

_ “We can Changkyun, I will help you but you need to tell me what is happening. What are they doing to you?” _

_ Changkyun saw the sincerity in the teacher’s eyes, he noted the care in the man’s eyes. Something was telling him to just tell him, to shout it from the rooftop. Just as he was about to, the door opened. It was the principal, his parents standing behind him, anger on their faces. He closed his mouth, looking back up to the teacher. _

_ “Sorry to interrupt Mr Kim but Changkyun’s parents are here to pick him up. He is being suspended for the rest of the day. Come on young man, let’s go.” _

_ Changkyun stood up before making his way to the door. _

_ “Changkyun wait, if you want to finish what you were telling me then you can. You can tell me anything.” _

_ “I... I don’t know what you are talking about sir. I have nothing to say.” _

_ Mr Kim once again saw the fear return to the boys eyes before seeing the anger in his parents. “Changkyun?” _

_ “Mr Kim, we really have to go now. We can finish this discussion later in my office if need be.” The principal stated. _

_ Changkyun looked back one last time before he disappeared from sight. What the teacher didn’t know was that that would be the last time he would see his student. Changkyun never came back to that school much to Mr Kim’s dismay. When he told the principal later that day, the man had tried contacting Changkyun’s parents but there was no answer. A social worker was sent round a few days later but their house was empty, no sign of the boy. Mr Kim’s guilt stayed with him from that day on. _

**_  
...end of flashback. _ **

“Should have told, Shhh...should have told” he whispered, the cold temperature overtaking him. How he wished he had said something right there and then to the teacher. Maybe he wouldn’t be sat here freezing to death under a secluded bridge.


	15. Going back

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry if this chapter seems a bit rushed

A couple more days had passed and although the search was now concentrated to a particular area, there had yet to be anymore information on Changkyun’s whereabouts. The members would be lying if they said some of their hope of finding him wasn’t disappearing. Jooheon had spent some of his time sitting in the maknae’s studio, going over and over anything that might give him an idea to Changkyun’s location. Of course, no such luck. He would spend hours there, ending up sitting with silent tears until it was time to return back to the dorm.

Changkyun’s uncle had also spent his time searching in Yongin until darkness fell. Every moment that went by without a word from him was agonising.

———————————————

Changkyun had no clue that there were so many people out looking for him, he had been so cut off from society apart from an odd passer by who took him for a homeless person. He knew his fever was getting worse all the while causing the bad thoughts in his mind to worsen. At some points, he was sure he would see his members walking towards him, asking himself if they were real or not. He wasn’t sure anymore.

He didn’t know how long he had been missing but what he was sure off was that he wasn’t well. He was beginning to understand that he had maybe made a big mistake. The cut on his stomach had worsened, discolouration taking place.

The whole night he had been thinking about what he would do next, lay down and die like he wanted or head back home. He thought this all night while staring at the money that passers by had left him out of pity, not knowing who the boy actually was.

It wasn’t until sunrise that he had made up his mind, grabbing the money and stumbling to his feet. He was able to catch himself before he toppled back to the floor. ‘This wasn’t good’ he thought to himself as he wiped the sheen of sweat covering his forehead, definitely not a good sign. A few minutes passed before he began to make his way in the direction of the bus station, something he would probably regret.

———————————————

The members had been called to the company that morning for a meeting, arriving at 7 in the morning. They all looked tired and emotional. The manager wanted to have a meeting with them, mainly to see how they were coping.

“Please boys, take a seat.” 

“H...have you heard something, is that why you called us here? Have you found him?” Jooheon asked desperately.

The man frowned sadly, looking down to his clasped hands. “No, I’m sorry Jooheon. We haven’t had anymore news at this current time. I called you here to check how you are all doing? You don’t look like you are getting enough sleep.”

“I don’t mean to be abrupt but of course we aren’t sleeping. I’m pretty sure we spend every waking minute worrying about Changkyun. He’s out there all alone so I would say we aren’t at our best.” Kihyun stated, slight frustration in his voice. He didn’t mean to sound harsh but he was emotional and tired, not a good combination.

Wonho placed a comforting hand on kihyun’s shoulder, feeling how tense the boy was. “I think what kihyun is trying to say is that we are struggling. We just want him home and we just feel useless sitting in the dorm.”

“I understand that, thank you for being honest with me. As your manager I also feel guilt in not being able to help with the search. You are all my responsibility. What I can say though is that my door is always open if you need to talk, whether that be together or separately.”

“Thank you, we really do appreciate that.” Shownu stated.

The manager gave a sympathetic smile to the members. He hated seeing them in this state and wished he could do more to help find the young man. “I also wanted to tell you that I have made another decision which I would appreciate your opinion on. When Changkyun is found he will attend an appointment to see a psychiatrist. It’s clear to me after everything that has happened that he needs help and I want to give it to him. He will not be able to carry on with promotions until he is deemed mentally and physically fit enough.”

The members hated hearing Changkyun and psychiatrist in the same sentence but they knew it was what was for the best. “I think we all agree that that is for the best, I just wish we could have gotten him the help sooner” Minhyuk said sadly.

——————————————

The hour bus ride had felt agonisingly slow to Changkyun, the nerves made his stomach churn all the while the cut stung painfully the whole way. How he had made it all the way up to the dorms front door he did not know, he felt dizzy the whole way up the stairs.

He rummaged around in his hoodie pocket, rustling around the small bit of spare change only to finally pull out his key. The dorm was eerily quiet as he pushed the door open, he was glad. He certainly didn’t want to face his other members right now but he couldn’t spend another day under that bridge in the cold.

He checked every room to make sure he was alone before pouring himself a cup of ice cold water. He had barely eaten or drunk anything in days and it was definitely taking an effect. As he placed the cup on the side he eyed a familiar drawer. A drawer with which the contents called his name.

Slowly, he pulled it open and eyed a particular object. He flinched as he saw the reflection of his parents in it as he held it in his hands. 

He weakly made his way over to sit at the dining table, holding the sharp knife tightly in one hand. Sweat was dripping from his forehead as he shook from nerves as well as his fever.

For half an hour he sat like that, staring at the metal that contained his parents reflections. That is until he heard the familiar sound of a key in the front door.


	16. Breaking point

Kihyun finally managed to open the door, slowly pushing it too as he spoke to the other members. “We can’t give up ok. We will.....” his sentence broke off as he noticed the dorms light was on. “Hey, did one of you leave the light on?”

The members all stepped into the entrance way, Wonho standing next to kihyun. “I...I don’t think so.” They stood there for a few seconds before they heard the sound of faint sniffling.

“Listen....someone’s here.” Kihyun stated as he moved into the living/ kitchen area. He gasped, dropping his bag as he was met with a scruffy looking person sat at the dining table. “Kyun.... is that you?”

“Wait what?” Jooheon pushed past the elder to make sure he wasn’t imagining what he had heard. Sure enough, it was the boy. The very same boy who had been missing for over a week. “Changkyun, Oh my god Changkyun!” Jooheon cried. Just as he was about to make his way over he was stopped by wonho’s hand holding his wrist.

Wonho and kihyun gestured for the others to stay where they were before moving slightly closer to the sniffling rapper.

“K..Kyun. It’s kihyun.” Changkyun looked up slightly and what the elder saw broke his heart. Changkyun had large bags under his eyes, sweat covering his forehead. His hair was scruffy and greasy. What caught his eye however was the dried blood on his hoodie.

“Kihyun, look” Wonho whispered, pointing discreetly towards the knife Changkyun held in his hands.

“Kyun, please. Talk to us, to me.”

The boy winced as if in pain, once again looking up to the members. 

“We’ve been so worried about you, where have you been Kyun?” Wonho quizzed.

“I... I had to go. I had to. I had to go” his voice sounded painfully scratchy.

“Why Kyun? Why did you have to go?”

Changkyun was about to answer before his attention was pulled elsewhere. He looked at the small mirror on the wall. “Shut up, shut up. Please stop it.”

They all looked between each other with worry. “Kyun, who are you talking to?”

Changkyun looked distraught as he pulled his attention back to kihyun. “Them..” he pointed at the mirror “...can’t you hear it? They won’t stop. Make them stop hyung, please.”

“Make who stop?”

“My parents. They are there. They won’t shut up, please make them stop.” He sobbed harder.

“Call the manager and an ambulance” Wonho mouthed to shownu who was already dialling the number.

Kihyun stepped closer to the boy, noting the fear in his glossy eyes. He saw just how ill the boy really was, not just mentally but physically. “What.... what are they saying to you Kyun?”

“Th...that it’s my fault, it’s all my fault hyung. It’s true isn’t it. You all hate me.”

“No kyun. None of that is true ok. Focus on me...” kihyun stated as he watched Changkyun battle with looking at the mirror or the singer. “Look at me, focus on me Kyun. Your parents are gone and they can’t hurt you anymore.”

“B...but they can. I can hear them, I see them. I... I just want it all to stop. I want it all to go away.”

“We can help you do that Kyun but you need to give me the knife” kihyun said with desperation as he took a seat next to the maknae.

Changkyun only gripped it tighter. “I can make it go away hyung. I know how to make it stop.”

“No kyun. That is not the way. If you do that then you are letting them win, is that what you want?”

Changkyun looked at kihyun, noting the desperation and sincerity in his hyung’s eyes. “They hurt me hyung, how could they do that to me. They.... they.... they... did things. They did horrible things to me...” he broke of sobbing.

“I know Kyun and I’m so sorry. Please Kyun, just give me the knife.”

It was a tense few seconds before Changkyun dropped the knife on the table, allowing everyone to take a grateful breathe. Kihyun moved the knife away before being startled by the younger boy who quickly stood up from his chair.

Changkyun grabbed harshly at his hair. “Make them stop hyung, please make them stop. I just want to die.” He walked backwards, his back hitting the wall hard before he slowly slid down it.

Kihyun rushed over, pulling the sobbing maknae into a tight hug. He didn’t like how hot the boy felt. “Shhh, it’s ok Kyun. We are going to help you ok... Kyun? Kyun?” Kihyun looked down to Changkyun who had stopped sobbing. His eyes began to roll to the back of his head.

“Kyun! CHANGKYUN. Wake up, come on. Wake up.”

The others rushed over to where kihyun was now laying the rapper down on the floor.

“Lift up his hoodie” Wonho practically yelled.

The members gasped when kihyun did as asked. They saw the results of the poor boys hate, eyeing one cut in particular that looked sore and discoloured. “Where’s the ambulance, we need it here now.”

“It’s on it’s way” shownu stated as he finally hung up the phone.

“This is all our fault. We should have done more. Please Kyun, stay with me, please” kihyun begged as tears graced his face.

——————————————

Changkyun had been brought in to the emergency room 2 hours ago. Everyone had been on edge the whole time. Starting from when the paramedics had arrived yelling all different types of medical words that the members didn’t understand. What they did know was that he was ill, very ill.

“Please be ok. Please be ok” Jooheon whispered to himself as he held his head in his hands. None of them had uttered many words.

“Boys?” The manager said, walking towards them from the direction of where Changkyun had been taken.

They all stood up, desperate to hear of any news about the maknae. “How is he hyung” Hyungwon questioned, fear evident on his face.

“He has a serious infection from the cut on his stomach so they are treating that with antibiotics. He also has hypothermia.”

“Is he awake yet?”

“He was. He woke up about half an hour ago but became very agitated. They had to sedate him again because he wouldn’t calm down.”

“He...he said he could hear his parents, that he could see them. I’ve heard about stuff like that before. It’s a symptom of schizophrenia isn’t it? Is that what’s happening to him?” Minhyuk croaked out, trying to hold back his tears.

The manager sighed. “In some cases yes but the doctor also said that the infection can cause hallucinations. It’s possible that it could also be PTSD from everything he has experienced. All it needed was a trigger and that was his parents death.”

“So what will happen next, when can we see him?”

“Not for a while I’m afraid. He will be evaluated by mental health specialist who will deem whether or not he is a danger to himself.”

“So, you’re saying they could lock him up?” Minhyuk exclaimed.

“No Minhyuk. It’s not like that. He will be given the help he needs in a unit that can provide that help. We as a company are going to be behind him every step of the way whatever the treatment may be. I think it be best for now if you all go home and get some rest.”

“But, we can’t just leave him. Not again.”

“I will call if there are any changes but it’s not going to do him any good if you all become ill yourselves. I promise I will let you know when I receive any more information.”

The members were conflicted but knew in the long run that the manager was right.

—————————————

“We could have lost him you know.” Kihyun said dejectedly, cupping his mug of coffee.

“But he’s here, he’s safe. We have him back ki” Wonho interjected. Rubbing his forehead, feeling the forthcoming headache appearing after the days events.

“Did you not see the state of him. Mentally he is broken. We didn’t see what was right infront of us. He was cracking and we didn’t stop it from getting worse.”

“Blaming ourselves and getting angry at each other isn’t going to help anything. We have to focus on Changkyun and helping him to get better. If that means he has to be admitted to one of those places then that’s what has to happen. I will not sit back and watch him kill himself, I will not do it.” Shownu stated with frustration. 

“When he said his parents did things to him, what do you think he meant? I mean, we know they physically and mentally abused him but there’s definitely more that happened to him.” 

“Jooheon, look. We won’t know what exactly until Changkyun opens up and says but I feel like I already have some sort of idea what happened to him.” 

“Hyung?” Jooheon eyed kihyun with curiosity.

“Think about what kind of abuse he went through. Physical, mental, neglect. Think about what’s left, what would break any human being to the point of wanting to die.”

“H...he was raped, wasn’t he?” Hyungwon said sadly, refusing to meet the members eyes on him.

“No... that’s not true. They can’t have done that to him. No parents are that evil, surely.” Jooheon didn’t want to believe that Changkyun could have gone through such a horrendous ordeal, but it explained so much.

“Jooheon....”

“I... just give me a minute.” The rapper pulled at his hair.

Minhyuk sighed, placing his head in his hands. “How are we going to help him come back from this. I can’t even begin to imagine the pain he must be going through.”

Just at that moment, a breaking news report came on tv which shownu turned the volume up for.

_** “ Breaking news. Monsta X member Im Changkyun has been found safe and admitted to hospital. His current condition is unknown but starship entertainment released a short statement thanking everyone for their efforts in finding the rapper. More to come on this story as it develops.” ** _


	17. Help and forgiveness

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Quick update- lockdown is ending next week so depending on which tier my county end up in will see whether I go back to work or not. Updates might be a bit sporadic but don’t worry we probably are still only half way though 😊. More angst to come. Stay safe.

Changkyun had spent most of the night sedated. Being pumped with, what the doctors thought necessary, medication to calm him down. He felt weak. Physically he was exhausted and sore. However, the pain killers had helped with the stinging from his infected cut and also calmed his migraine. When he first woke up that morning, he had trouble connecting his thoughts to reality, his mind slowly joining the dots of the previous days events. Part of him hated that he had given in and returned home, making himself believe that no one would accept him now they knew parts of the truth. Another part of him was glad that he went back because there was that tiniest part of him that wanted to live, to try and work back to a somewhat normal life.

He had been explained to by the doctor that a psychiatrist was coming to have a chat with him, reassuring him that there was nothing to worry about. Like he could believe that. He didn’t know what to believe. He believed that his parents reflections were real, maybe they were. He just didn’t know anymore.

He despised the idea of some stranger invading his mind, asking him uncomfortable questions that he certainly did not want to answer. He knew he had no choice in the matter, there was nothing he could do. He was crazy right? No one sane has a full on breakdown after running back to the place he had run away from, holding a knife in his hands. Right?

As of now though as he waited for the psychiatrist to arrive within the next two hours, all he so desperately wanted was the comfort of his members. He wanted them to tell him he was going to be ok but then that would be lying, wouldn’t it. He was told that they weren’t allowed to see him till after his assessment which he kind of understood he guessed. He supposed they needed to know if he was crazy or not before they visited him. The doctors had told him to not use that word but he couldn’t help it. How could he when they looked at him like he was, how could he when they had to literally pump him full of medication just so he would calm down.

Changkyun laid on his hospital bed with these thoughts for the next hour and a half until there was a knock at his door. A tall looking man wearing black trousers and blue shirt gave him a polite smile. One the rapper did not return.

The man walked into the room, closing the door gently behind him before taking a seat next to Changkyun’s bed.

“Hello Changkyun, my name is Dr Lee. The reason I’m am here is because.....”

“I know why you are here” Changkyun interrupted with a hushed tone.

“And why do you think I am here Changkyun?” The man asked, an unreadable expression on his face. One nearing understanding.

Changkyun sighed, turning on his side so his back was facing the man. 

“To tell me there is something wrong with me. To send me away. You all think I’m crazy and maybe you are right.”

“No one thinks you are crazy. My question is why do you believe that?”

“It’s obvious isn’t it. I’m sure you’ve been told why I’m here so why don’t you tell me.”

“Well yes, you would be correct in saying I have been informed of your situation but I would like to hear from you. Can you tell me why you did what you did, why did you run away?”

Changkyun felt nervous and scared. “I...I had to.”

“Why did you feel like you had to?”

“Because I did. They found out and they would hate me. I couldn’t face more people hating me. It’s bad enough I have to look at the marks on my body but knowing that the other members could see them now as well, that’s worse.”

“These marks Changkyun, they are self inflicted correct?”

Changkyun nodded slowly, on the verge of tears.

“Why do you feel the need to hurt yourself?”

Changkyun didn’t want to answer but strangely enough, the man had this aura about him. A gentleness that made Changkyun feel like it was ok to breakdown and cry.  
“B....because it takes the pain away. It takes the voices away.”

“Who’s voices?”

That’s when Changkyun broke and began to sob. “M...my parents. They... they made we want to die, they make me still want to die.....”

——-—————————

The members and their manager had been called to the hospital later that afternoon by Dr Lee. They were all sat nervously around the table in his office, watching as he calmly looked though his notes.

“Well, I along with the other doctors have made the decision that it would be in Changkyun’s best interest to be admitted for a short period of time.”

They all kind of knew this was coming but to actually hear it was another matter. The manager looked around at each member with sympathy. “How long doctor?”

“3 weeks at the least. Over that time we will continue to assess his mental state while figuring out the best medication and coping mechanisms for him. It may be a case of him staying longer but we will not know until further down the line.”

“C..can we see him, before he goes?” Jooheon asked timidly.

“Not today I’m afraid, he is resting right now. However you will be able to visit him tomorrow, but he must take it easy. He will be staying on the ward for a couple of days to ensure his infection has cleared up properly and then he will be moved to the mental health unit later on in the week.”

“Can we see him when he is in the unit?”

“For the first week you will not be able to. This tends to be the toughest week as it is their settling in period and is mainly full of assessments and dealing with medication. However, if it is deemed that he is ok for visitors after that period then yes, you will be able to visit him. In most cases it’s the visits that aid in their recovery as it gives them something to look forward to. I’m sorry I don’t have better news for you but we truly believe this is the necessary next steps to take. Changkyun is very clearly a traumatised young man and it’s clear that he has a severe case of PTSD. I must make it clear that he will have is ups and downs. Now, do you have any further questions you would like to ask?”

Shownu looked around to the members, waiting to see if anyone wanted to ask anything else. The 15 second silence gave him his answer.  
“No doctor, I think that is all. Thank you for what you are doing for him.”

The elder man smiled back sympathetically before collecting his notes up.

They all knew this was certainly not going to be anywhere near plain sailing. This was going to be tough on all of them but most of all, Changkyun.

————————————

It was the following day. Jooheon arrived at the hospital room to an empty bed. He could feel the panic rising quickly before hearing quiet sniffles from the corner of the room. He slowly walked towards the noise only to find Changkyun sat in the corner of the room, hugging his knees close to his chest but being careful not to pull the iv line.

Jooheon rounded the bed to crouch infront of the teary maknae. “Changkyun, what’s wrong?” He asked calmly, feeling the panic begin to rise once more.

The boy took a couple of seconds to rub roughly at his eyes.  
“They....they want to send me away, they... they think I’m crazy.”

Jooheon placed his hand on Changkyun’s knee only to retract it when the younger rapper instinctively flinched. The members had been told the day before that the psychiatrist had made the decision to admit Changkyun, it broke their hearts.

“No one thinks that Kyun, no one.”

“Then w...why are they sending me to that place.” He sobbed.

Jooheon felt out of his depth, he so desperately wanted to take the boy’s pain away. He didn’t deserve to suffer anymore. “Because Kyun, because you need help.”

“But I...I don’t want to go, I don’t want to hyung.”

“You need to Kyun, you need help.”

“I...I know but I...I don’t w...want to go.”

Jooheon felt like tearing up himself, his eyes already glossy. He looked up to the ceiling, taking a deep breathe to collect himself.

“Kyun, look at me” he asked with a gently tone.

It took a few moments but the maknae looked up into the elders eyes. 

“You’ve got this ok, you’ve got this. You’ve spent so long being beaten down, neglected and told to be quiet but now it’s time for you to be heard. You deserve to be heard . Sure it will take time but this place can help you do that. You deserve to be cared for and listened to.”

Jooheon took another breathe to collect his emotions. 

“You are one of the bravest people I know and I know right now you might not feel brave. I know you are scared, so...so am I” his voice began to crack.

“I’m scared of losing you Kyun. You are my best friend and my brother. The thought of losing you tears me apart and if you keep going the way you are going then I feel like I’m going to lose you forever. That whole time you went missing, all I could think about was how lonely it felt, how empty it felt without you. I know you are here physically right now but it feels like we are losing you at the same time. All I want is to see your smile and hear your laugh again and I know it will take time and that’s ok. But you need to do this Kyun, not for us but for yourself because you more than anyone deserve that chance at happiness.”

The two rappers stared at each other for a few seconds before Changkyun launched himself at Jooheon, clinging on to him for dear life. Jooheon only hugged the boy tighter, feeling his own tears run down his face.

“You can do this Kyun and I’m here. I’ll always be here whenever you need to cry or talk, however long that may take. I’ll always be here.”

—————————————

When Jooheon arrived back at the dorm he felt emotionally exhausted. It was difficult seeing his best friend in that state, he hated seeing him suffer so much at the hands of his own mind. In all honesty, Jooheon still felt guilty about that day he broke Changkyun’s trust. He had promised the boy but broke that promise and now he was going to be put in a mental health unit. The members had constantly reassured him that he had done the right thing and that Changkyun was going to a place where he could get the help he needed.

He barely uttered a word to the members who could clearly see he needed to be alone. He only stated that he wasn’t hungry and he would be going straight to bed.

Once he was in his room, he placed his shoes neatly on his shoe rack and tossed his phone next to him where he sat on the bed. It was then that he allowed the dam to break, letting the tears flow freely. After the days events he just felt tired and emotional.

He spent the next couple of minutes like this until he decided that he should probably take a shower. He went to take his jacket off, checking to make sure the pockets were empty. That’s when a crumped up piece of paper fell to his feet.

He looked at it oddly, not remembering putting it there. He shook his head before picking it up and unfolding it. There, written clear as day in Changkyun’s writing were the words he so desperately needed to hear from the boy.

_ ‘It wasn’t your fault.’ _

Jooheon’s shoulders fell with relief as he cried into his hands.


	18. The unit

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> An introduction to the the mental health unit and Changkyun’s roommate.

The members had been sat in Changkyun’s hospital room for the past hour, he had barely uttered a word since they had arrived. It wasn’t that he didn’t want to talk to them it was just he had a lot running through his mind. The medication was wearing off meaning he could faintly hear the returning voices of his parents. He also was struggling with the knowledge that he was being taken to the mental health unit in two days, scared was an understatement.

“Kyun, hey. Are you ok, are you in any discomfort? I can get the nurse if you need” kihyun suggested gently, his voice pulling the maknae from his thoughts.

“N....no, I’m fine” he replied, nervously rubbing his arm.

“What about some food, you’ve barely eaten anything today” shownu suggested.

“I’m fine.”

“A drink then at least” Wonho interjected.

“I SAID IM FINE. Will you all just stop, I’m fine.”

The others were slightly taken aback by the maknae’s yelling but knew it was to be expected.  
He looked down guilty towards his hands, eyes becoming watery. “I...I’m sorry. I...I’m just. I... I don’t know.”

Kihyun moved to the chair directly next to the hospital bed, gently placing his hand on top of the younger’s. He could feel the maknae shaking. “It’s ok Kyun, you don’t need to apologise. I know it’s scary but you will be ok.”

“But what if I’m not. What if the voices don’t stop, what if.... what if no one can help me. Maybe I don’t deserve to be helped.”

“You know that’s not true. We are all going to be behind you every step of the way and it’s ok to be scared. You deserve to get the help you need and you will get it.”

“What about the fans. I’m just holding you all back.”

“Don’t worry about any off that. We are not going anywhere without you and that’s our choice, ok.”

Changkyun slowly nodded, wiping a tear away from his eye.

“Kyun, have you thought anymore about maybe talking to your uncle?” Changkyun shook his head. “He’s worried about you Kyun, he cares about you.”

Changkyun pulled his hand away from kihyun’s. “I...I don’t want to. I... I can’t. Please don’t make me, I’m not ready to see him.”

“Ok, ok. We are not going to make you see him if you don’t want to.” Changkyun nervously nodded his head, wiping away another stray tear.

All the members knew how difficult this was going to be for Changkyun and it made them all upset at the fact they wouldn’t be able to see him for a week. They just hoped the unit and doctors would be able to help him.

———————————

Two days had passed by in a flash, Changkyun was sat in a wheelchair while a doctor filled in the rest of his paperwork so he could enter the unit. 

He was nervously tapping his leg up and down as he watched a few male orderlies pass him and enter the unit. They looked slightly intimidating dressed all in white and muscles showing through the arms of their uniform. His eyes moved to the window that looked into the unit. He could see a couple of patients. One looked to be pacing while the other sat sadly talking to an orderly, he looked like he had had some sort of emotional breakdown.

“Ok Changkyun, the paperwork is all done so we are ready to go in now” the doctor stated, walking behind him to push the wheelchair.

They were buzzed in by the nurse at the front desk, Changkyun was sure he could hear the door lock shut behind them. This was it, no way out for a few weeks now. He was already starting to feel like a prisoner.

“This is the rec room where you will be able to play games and have some relaxation time. Through there is where you will eat your meals.”  
Changkyun looked nervously at the places the doctor was pointing out to him.  
“In here is where you will have group therapy sessions which you will start tomorrow. There will also be different classes like art class that you can take part in. You will have one on one therapy sessions, one a day. These are mandatory and so you will need to attend them. Any questions so far Changkyun?”

To be honest, he felt overwhelmed but was trying to hide it. The doctor took his silence as his answer. “Ok, it’s ok. I will take you to your room now.”

They passed several door’s before arriving at an open one. Inside the room was two beds, one neatly made while the other looked like it had been slept in. “This is your room which you will share. Room doors are to stay open all day except when it’s lights out. We have a no shoelace rule for obvious reasons and an orderly will check on you every hour. I know it’s a lot but it’s to help you in the long run. Normally you would attend the group therapy session now but I think it’s best you settle in first and start sessions tomorrow. Do you have any questions for me Changkyun?” The boy shook his head, not trusting his voice. “Ok. I’ll leave you for the moment and then I’m would like you to come and see me in my office when you are ready. I would like to discuss your treatment and medication with you.” The man smiled sympathetically at the boy before exiting the room.

Changkyun stood from the wheelchair, looking around the clean room. The walls were mostly white apart from a few posters on his roommates side. He slowly walked over to the bed, sitting down meekly. He was here. Just a while ago he was performing for thousands of fans and now he was sat in a mental health unit, he never felt so alone. 

Changkyun sat like that for a minute before he was pulled from his thoughts by the sound of footsteps. He looked up to see a average height man with dark brown hair and what looked like silver lines on his wrists. 

“Oh, sorry. I didn’t know you would be in here already. I’m... im Dongwu. I’m your roommate. It’s nice to meet you under the circumstances.” The man held his hand out towards Changkyun who only looked at it. After a few moments, he pulled his hand away. “Ok, no handshake. Ok that’s fine.” He nervously rubbed the back of his neck.

“I...I’m sorry, it’s just a lot to take in right now. I’m...im Changkyun.” He looked down to the ground.

“Well it’s nice to meet you Changkyun. I know it seems scary at first but you will get use to it. The food, not so much” he chuckled earning a small timid smile from Changkyun. 

“Well, i’ll erm... leave you to it.” And with that the man was gone.

At least his roommate was ok he thought to himself. Maybe it could make his stay that slightly bit more bearable. Then again, maybe not. 

———————————

It was a couple of hours later, Changkyun having already seen the doctor who told him about the medication he would have to take daily. He was now currently sat quietly by himself in the rec room, observing everyone else around him. He didn’t want to be in here but his room was just too quiet. Quiet enough that he could hear the voices again and he didn’t want to hear them. He hoped that once he properly started his medication then they would go away but that wouldn’t be till tomorrow morning. 

He was watching two other patients doing a puzzle when he hear shouting from just outside the door. He turned his attention towards that, eyeing a male patient who was hitting his head with his hands.

“CAN’T YOU SEE THEM, THEY WANT ME TO HURT YOU!” The patient screamed.

“Jongmin, you need to calm down. You are hurting yourself” a male orderly said to the man, gently grabbing his arms to pull away from his head.

“BUT THEY SAID THEY WANT ME TO HURT YOU. I DONT WANT TO HURT YOU” he yelled.

Changkyun could hear the voices racing in his head. Memories of his parents verbal abuse flooding his mind. He put his hands up to his ears, tears falling slowly down his cheeks. 

Another male orderly shut the door to allow another two to finish calming Jongmin down without causing anymore upset in the rec room. Once the door was shut, he made his way over to Changkyun, kneeling down infront of him.

“Hey Changkyun, it’s ok. Nothing bad is going to happen to you. Now I need you to breath with me ok.”

Changkyun shook his head, more tears falling down his face.

“You can do it ok. Every time I count to three, I want you to take a deep breath for me. 1...2....3 and breathe.”

It took a few goes before Changkyun was finally able to take some proper breathes, the bad thoughts slowing down. After 5 minutes he was able to calm his breathing right down.

“That’s it Chankgyun. You’re ok. Everything is fine. Do you want to talk about what just happened?”

Changkyun rubbed at his watery eyes, slowly looking up to the orderly who despite his earlier assumptions, had a kind face.  
“I... I’m sorry. The shouting....it just. Memories. B...bad m...memories.” He began to tear up again.

“Its ok Changkyun, you don’t need to apologise. Do you want to tell me more about them. Why did the shouting trigger it?”

Changkyun just shook his head, losing his trust in his voice.

“It’s ok, you don’t have to right now. I’m going to sit with you for a little bit though just to make sure you are ok. Is that ok with you?”

The rapper was sure he didn’t actually have a choice in the matter so he just nodded his head, choosing to avert his attention to the window. He liked watching the trees in the wind, it’s was calming.


	19. Groups and tattered books

Changkyun sat quietly in the plastic chair, his hands tucked inside his oversized jumper. After taking his medication for the morning, he had been forced to join the group therapy session. To be honest, all he wanted to do was lay in his bed, covered by his duvet. The reality of where he was had hit him like a ton of bricks that morning, waking up dripping in sweat with watery eyes. He didn’t feel like being around anyone today but unfortunately there were rules to being in this place and taking part in group therapy was one of them.

“So everyone...” the counsellor began “...we have someone new joining us today. Would you like to introduce yourself to the group.” The man gestured towards the rapper who chose to continue staring at the floor. After a minute of silence, the counsellor spoke instead. “That’s ok. Why doesn’t everyone else go first. My name is Jisung, nice to meet you.”

Everyone else took their turns in introducing themselves. However, Changkyun missed some of the names, his own thoughts crowding his mind. Dongwu was there though which made him slightly more at ease.

Once everyone had told their names, Changkyun knew it was his turn. “I’m...im Chang...Changkyun “ he whispered, tugging on his sleeves.

He made the mistake of looking up, noticing a girl who seemed to be just staring at him. That continued for a minute until she finally spoke.

“Hey, I know you. Aren’t you that rapper from Monsta X? What’s someone like you doing here? I thought idols are meant to be perfect.”

Changkyun could feel himself sweating from nerves. He knew someone was bound to recognise him but in this setting it just made him feel so small.

“Now now Yeona. There is no need to make such assumptions.” Jisung said, gesturing to the girl to quieten down.

“Yeah, idols can have issues too. They are human” Dongwu stated, smiling at Changkyun. The rapper returned a small but grateful smile.

“Ok. That’s enough. We want to make Changkyun feel welcome. This is a safe space where you should feel free to share. If you are having trouble sharing or talking during a session then that’s ok” Jisung looked towards Changkyun. “Now, how about we carry on from last session. Jia, you were telling us about your future plans and where you see yourself after leaving here. Changkyun, if you would like to share after Jia then that’s ok.”

Changkyun just nodded, honestly not wanting a part in sharing. He didn’t know what the future held for him. He didn’t even know how long he would be here for. What he did know was that the next hour was going to drag.

——————————

Sure enough, the hour spent in group therapy had gone by so slow. Changkyun ended up not sharing that session, he barely uttered a couple of words, choosing to listen to the others. Well, half listen. The thoughts were still loud in his head. Jisung must have clearly noticed because he kept one eye on him with concern throughout the hour.

Changkyun was now sat in the quiet reading area, trying to focus some of his attention on a music book he had found. It wasn’t that good but all the other books didn’t take his fancy.

He was skipping through the pages when he heard someone sit on the bean bag next to him. Looking beside him, he saw Jisung who gave the boy a small smile.

“Hi Changkyun, is it ok if I join you?”

“You’re already here, aren’t you?” He whispered, turning his eyes back to the book.

“What did you think of your first group session?”

Changkyun just shrugged.

“I noticed you seemed distracted during the hour, is there something you wish to share with me. What was going on in your mind?”

“I dunno” he shrugged once again.

“I know it’s hard Changkyun but we want you to feel like this is a safe place to share. When you are ready, you can. If it’s something you wish to share in private then you can do that. We are not here to judge you.”

Changkyun scoffed. “Tell Yeona or whatever her name was that then.”

Jisung sighed. “She didn’t mean anything by it Changkyun. What you have to understand is that everyone here has been though their own trauma and that affects the way in which they act and say things. That being said, I would appreciate it if you came to group therapy tomorrow with a bit more of an open mind. If you didn’t like what we discussed today then maybe we can discuss something you would like, like music. Can you do that for me?”

“Do I have a choice?”

“In attending the session? No. But in choosing a topic to talk about then yes.”

“O...ok. Fine” Changkyun huffed.

“Great. I’ll leave you to your reading.”

———————————————

Jooheon was sat in Changkyun’s studio. He had tried working in his but it just seemed so lonely. Sure Changkyun’s was quiet but it made him feel somewhat close to the maknae. They had received news that Changkyun had settled in which they were all glad about. It didn’t help the fact that they felt useless.

Jooheon had decided to take a break from working, his thoughts turning to what the maknae had experienced in his short life. He hated the fact that this kind, caring boy had suffered through so much but still didn’t want anyone knowing exactly what he had gone through. The idea that Changkyun had been sexually abused by his own parents made him feel sick to his stomach. A revelation that had been confirmed by the boys uncle. No one asked Changkyun about it during the few days he was in hospital in fear of another breakdown. Changkyun was still living with the belief that they didn’t know this detail.

Jooheon wiped away a single tear as his mind was crowded by these thoughts. He started rummaging round in the drawers when something shoved at the back caught his attention. After a few moments, he was able to dislodge the item, pulling out a tattered old book. What looked to be a diary.

A part of the rapper knew he should probably just put it back, it wasn’t his studio after all but another part of him was intrigued. So, he opened it. Flicking through the pages, he realised it was diary entries from Changkyun’s time with his parents, pages full of fear, sadness and sorrow. There were also pages dated from around the time of No Mercy.

Jooheon’s eyes fell to one page in particular. Dated around the time in which Changkyun would have traveled to Seoul after escaping his painful home life.

**_ “I’m writing this as I sit on the train. I can’t explain exactly what I’m feeling except for maybe the tiniest bit of relief. I would be lying if I said I wasn’t scared but if I stayed in that place a second longer then I fear my end would have come. If not by their hands then by my own. The pain still lingers, the physical and emotional. I’m still carrying a lot of bruises from the beating the other night. I just laid there and took it like I always have because I’m weak. Maybe these people at the company will see how weak I am. I wonder if they will treat me coldly. To be honest, anything is better than going back there, back to them. Maybe I’ll find something or someone who can make me want to live again. Then again.....maybe not.” _ **

A tear fell onto the page, smudging the last word. Jooheon’s heart broke reading Changkyun’s inner most thoughts. The fact that the boy had felt suicidal when he came into No Mercy was devastating. All he could think was what if they tipped him over the edge. He quickly shut the diary back up and placed it back where he found it, not wanting to read anymore.


	20. The want to be better

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi guys. I know it’s been two weeks since I posted but it’s been hectic. My area is now in the highest risk tier meaning my work has had to shut yet again after only being open for two weeks. None of us know if the business will be ok nor when we will open again. It will likely be in January or maybe even later. Some people I know have also tested positive which is not ideal with it being Christmas next week. Anyway, all we can do is hope this vaccine does its job. Sorry for the ramble but now I’m off work I’ll hopefully post more. Keep well.

He had to endure two more days before the others could visit him. Changkyun wasn’t sure if he was completely looking forward to seeing the members or rather completely dreading it. He had not seen them face to face since the week before, in the hospital ward. His first week had been mainly uneventful, mostly consisting of getting use to his surroundings and the medication. He could tell the medication was kicking in as the voices slowly began to fade but the emotional numbness was beginning to make an appearance. 

Now though, he was sat in Dr Min’s office for his daily counselling session. The majority of these over the week had consisted of silence while Dr Min attempted to get Changkyun to open up. The past 15 minutes had been no different in today’s session until the rapper spoke with a hoarse voice out of the blue.

“Do you believe in God?” Changkyun asked with inquisitive eyes.

Dr min looked up to Changkyun, taking a minute to think of an appropriate answer. “Well, I wouldn’t say yes nor would I say no. I’m usually a man of fact and realistic ideas but I also like to believe there is more out there that we will never fully understand. Why do you ask Changkyun?”

The younger man thought deeply before a sad look crossed his eyes, pulling his knees close to his chest. “I use to believe in God, I really thought I did...” he paused “....kids are naive though aren’t they. They believe anything you tell them and then get disappointed when they learn the truth as they grow up. I really thought that there was a god. I prayed every night that he would take me away to a better place. I prayed that my suffering would end. Do you know when I stopped believing in god? When my suffering continued and no help came.”

“And how do you feel about that now?”

“For a split second when I was told my parents had died, a tiny part of me really believed he was real and that he had answered my prayer. I realised though that it was just luck, I got lucky. How awful does that sound. It makes me sound like a monster.”

“You are not a monster Changkyun.”

“But who wishes for someone to die?” Changkyun brushed a tear from his eye, his cheek turning red.

“It’s natural to feel how you did Changkyun, especially after the trauma you experienced. Did you ever act on these wishes against your parents?”

“N...no”

“Then that’s what makes you different. You didn’t act on these wishes even though your parents hurt you in ways unimaginable to most people. That’s what sets you apart from ‘monsters’ as people call them. You have a heart and a conscience.”

“You really believe that?”

“I wouldn’t have said it if I didn’t believe it. What I would like you to share more about though is the reasoning behind why you prayed for harm to come to them.”

“You read my file. You should know.”

“But I want to hear it from you. It’s one thing having it written down on paper but sometimes that’s not enough.”

“I... I can’t say what happened. I can’t. Not yet.”

“Then you don’t have to at this moment but trust me when I say that bottling things up only makes things worse.”

Changkyun slowly nodded in understanding, knowing that at some point during his stay that he would most likely reveal more to the doctors about the intricacies of what happened to him at the hands of his parents.

————————————

“Well, today I have decided on a different subject to discuss. The topic will be music. Changkyun, if it’s ok with you then I would like you to start” Jisung stated, smiling at the rapper.

Changkyun nervously looked towards Jisung as he played with the sleeves of his jumper. He felt everyone’s eyes on him as he attempted to find his voice. “I....I don’t know” he stuttered, turning his attention back to his soft sleeves.

“It’s ok Changkyun, take your time. Why don’t I ask you a question about it to start?”  
The younger man thought for a moment before slowly nodding.  
“Ok. Music has obviously been a pivotal thing for you, how did you decide it was the path for you. Changkyun.”

“I....I guess music makes me feel err... makes me feel good. It was an escape from errr.... everything and.... and everyone. It helped me erm... helped me through a lot. A lot of erm.... bad things I guess.”

“Ok that’s a good answer Changkyun. What made you choose rap and a career in kpop?”

“I erm.... I like how expressive you can be with it. It helped err... helped me express how I was f...feeling without h...having to tell someone. It h...helped me c...cope. The kpop thing was a way out I guess. Somewhere for me to go and make something of my m...music.”

“Why did you need to escape?” Another patient interjected. Not out of malice but more out of interest.

Jisung noted the shift in Changkyun’s mood. He had became slightly more uncomfortable. “You don’t have to answer if you don’t want to Changkyun.”

“No. It’s err.... it’s fine. I h...had a bad home life. I needed to get away.” He could feel the tears forming ever so slowly.

“What was so bad about it?” The patient asked.

“Hyunsik, that’s enough. You know the rule about asking these sort of questions.”

“What? I’m just interested, that’s all. We all are. A kpop star gets admitted here and we aren’t supposed to be intrigued as to why.”

“Hyunsik.” Jisung said with a firm tone, causing the boy to back down apologetically. 

“I’m s..sorry.” The man said softly.

Changkyun nodded in understanding, continuing to look down at his sleeves.

“Changkyun, would you like to continue?” Jisung asked, hopeful.  
The rapper shook his head, pulling his knees up to his chest.  
“Ok. That’s ok. You did good.”

———————————————

Two days had passed by in a flash. They had been spent completing his sessions, albeit still struggling to open up. If anything, Changkyun felt more judged here because of the idea everyone seemed to have about idols being perfect. Today he felt slightly better however as the members were going to visit in a couple of hours.

At this moment though, he was sat on the rec room sofa as an orderly handed him the small pot with his daily dose of pills. He slowly eyed the medicine before placing them in his mouth and quickly swallowing them.

“Ok, open” the orderly said as he inspected his mouth, “lift your tongue.” Changkyun did as asked but not without feeling a little overwhelmed. He hated this part of the day. The orderly smiled softly before moving on to the next patient.

Changkyun sat quietly before his eyes landed on Dongwu who the orderly walked away from after having given him his daily medication. What caught Changkyun’s eye though was how suspiciously the man hurried away towards the direction of their shared room. Changkyun slowly looked round to ensure all the other orderly’s attention were on other things. He made his way to his room where he saw Dongwu spit something into his hand.

“What are you doing?” Changkyun whispered causing the other man to quickly turn round. He looked over the rappers shoulder before gently pulling him further into the room.

“You can’t tell anyone about this Changkyun.”

“But you are supposed to take them. I watched him watch you take them.” A confused look crossed his face.

“When you’ve been here as long as I have, you learn a few things. I know it’s not good but these pills they don’t help. All they do is strip every part of yourself away. They cause you to become a shell of who you are.”

“H...how long have you been doing this?”

“On and off for a few months. I stop when they start to get suspicious. They don’t want to help us Changkyun. If they did then they wouldn’t dose us up with this crap. It messes with your brain.”

“I’m sure that’s not true.”

“Oh really? How numb have you begun to feel since you started taking them?”

“I... I erm. I”

“It feels awful right. It clouds your mind. I use to be a keen writer but after these pills it messed with my ideas. I didn’t have the motivation or imagination. That’s what they do Changkyun, they strip you of who you are. Is that what you really want?”

“I want to get better.”

“Well taking them isn’t going to do that, trust me. I can help you. Show you how to trick the orderly’s. They’re here to do a job and not because they care Changkyun. I care. I can help you. Let me help you.”

“I....I don’t know.”

“You don’t have to decide now, we aren’t going anywhere anytime soon. But please don’t tell anyone about this.”

“I’m not sure.”

“Please Changkyun. If you help me then I can help you. Please.”

Changkyun didn’t completely know what he was getting himself into but in that moment, the other man was making some sort of sense to him. He didn’t know who he could trust anymore.  
“O...ok.”

——————————————

“....the trainees are doing a lot better, it makes me think of our trainee days” Minhyuk said, chuckling lightly.

The members had arrived half an hour ago and they were all now sat in a quiet area of the rec room on the sofas. Changkyun had been happy to see them as had the others been to see him. However, Dongwu’s offer was still playing on his mind. Shownu must have noticed the maknae’s slight distraction as he placed a gentle hand on Changkyun’s shoulder. The younger boy flinched before relaxing.

“S...sorry, sorry.” The maknae whispered.

“Don’t worry about it. Is everything ok, you looked a little spaced out there Kyun.”

The rapper shifted so his legs were crossed, pulling his sleeves over his hands. “Yeah, I’m fine. Just a bit tired.”

“Are they treating you ok here Kyun.?” Wonho asked, a hint of worry in his voice.

“Hmm. Yeah, they are good here. I’m fine honestly. Well, not fine but you know what I mean.”

Jooheon looked around nervously, eyeing all the orderly’s who were keeping a watchful eye on everyone else. “What erm, what sort of things have they got you doing?”

“Well we have the rec room to relax and play pool. Classes like painting and music. I.... I don’t really like the music one though, it’s more like playing crappy instruments that no one knows how to play. We also have group and individual therapy sessions. I...I guess that’s it really.”

“Oh erm. It doesn’t sound too bad then. There is plenty to do” Jooheon said quietly.

Changkyun just nodded, his mind once again going back to Dongwu. He looked around before noticing the boy looking back at him, kindly smiling. 

“Have they said anything to you about when I can get out of here?” Changkyun questioned, turning his attention back to the members.

Kihyun sighed, feeling sad for the younger boy. “Kyun. You know they said you would be here for a few weeks at the least. I know it’s hard but it will get better, you will get better. You just have to give it time.”

Changkyun’s small smile fell, nodding in understanding. His thoughts landing on one thing kihyun had said, ‘you will get better’. He didn’t feel like he was getting better. Maybe Dongwu was right, maybe the medication and the doctors were making it worse, maybe he needed a new way to get better. Dongwu had a way.


	21. *Author note

Hi guys, so I’m sorry, I know it’s been two weeks again but it’s been hectic. The uk is getting worse again and the area I live in has declared a major incident as its one of the highest rates in the uk so it looks like I won’t be working for another month or so. I’ve also lost motivation to write in this time as well. I’m not abandoning this story, a chapter should be up within the next week, posting will probably be irregular. Anyway, enough rambling. I hope everyone had a good Christmas and I hope you have a safe new year. Thankyou for your patience and hopefully 2021 will be better than the whole of this year.


	22. Memories and medication

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well what can I say, UK in its third national lockdown. Anyway, happy 2021 and I hope you are all well. I managed to write another chapter so I hope you enjoy.

_ Flashback.... _

_Tears fell onto the empty page of his journal, his eyes squeezed shut so tight that they began to hurt. Changkyun had been sat attempting to write in his journal for half an hour now, shutting himself in his room as soon as his parents had finished his beating. He could normally handle his mother’s hits but this time round she had used a wooden rolling pin. He was sure she managed to crack a rib. Now even when he did the simple task of breathing, it hurt. He knew this one was coming though, his parents hadn’t taken aim at him for a few days which scared Changkyun more than anything. If they left him alone for a couple of days then he knew a bigger beating was coming. At least when it was a daily occurrence they seemed to run out of steam quicker._

_ It all started over a sandwich of all things. Changkyun had been told to make his parents some lunch which he did reluctantly. However, he made the mistake of forgetting that his father hated cheese. As soon as he spat the first bite out he knew he was in trouble. Changkyun wouldn’t be making that mistake again.  _

_ He looked over to his bedside table where the leaflet for starship entertainment sat. He had applied and had yet to hear back. Things in the house had gotten a lot worse over the last couple of years, taking a huge toll on Changkyun’s emotional well-being. Self-harm had entered his life not long followed by the thoughts to end his life. They came in small intervals but sometimes they were overwhelming. So here he sat staring at that leaflet, making choices in his mind. He was giving himself two options. Either get accepted and leave this hell or the other choice; to kill himself.  _

_ Quite a few hours had passed since he had entered his room crying. It was now 11 in the evening, the boy having changed into his Pyjama bottoms. It was dark and quiet. He believed his parents had taken themselves to bed, a sigh of relief overtook him.  _

_ He laid still for a few moments before he noticed the hallway light seeping into his room from the small gap under the door. His anxiety rose as he instinctively sat up, pulling his knees tight to his chest.  _

_ Changkyun placed his hands over his ears as he could hear the familiar shuffling of footsteps getting ever so closer to his door.  _

_ “Please, not tonight. Please” he desperately whispered to himself. The sound of those footsteps ignited the highest type of fear in him especially knowing what they represented. He knew exactly what was to come next. Normal kids/ teenagers don’t have to fear their own parents coming to their room but then again,Changkyun’s life was far from normal. _

_ He flinched as he heard the door open and pushed too, not all the way but just enough so they weren’t in sight to anyone who were to be in the hallway. Not that his mother cared. He could smell the boozy breathe from the other side of the room. _

_ “Have you learnt your lesson boy” his father slurred. Changkyun said nothing though, the panic taking his ability to speak. Only small whimpers left his mouth. _

_ “Stop whimpering like a little bitch. You got what you deserved. Then again, I think maybe I need to teach you again. Maybe then you won’t make any more mistakes.” _

_ “P...please. Don’t” he whispered before feeling a slap to his cheek. He placed his hand up to the reddening area. _

_ “Don’t tell me what to do you little bitch. Now you’ve asked for it.” _

_ Changkyun could only whimper as he heard his father remove his belt. The disgust for himself already taunting him as he felt his father roughly grab his arms so he couldn’t get away. All he wanted to do was scream but he just froze. _

_....End of flashback _

“Changkyun, Changkyun? Hey, are you ok? You zoned out for second there. If you need to take a moment to step outside then you can.” Dr Min stated, handing the boy a tissue as he noticed the stray tear rolling down the rappers cheek.

The doctor recognised that a memory had been triggered for Changkyun, something that was common in patients who had experienced extensive trauma.

“Do you want to talk about it?”

Changkyun shook his head, not trusting his voice in that moment. Dr min gave him an understanding look. Changkyun had opened up in the last couple of days about the emotional abuse and some of the physical abuse but nothing past that. He knew it would take time because Changkyun was still struggling to accept himself that it happened.

“Ok. Well why don’t you carry on with what we were talking about before. You were telling me about one of the times you and your parents relocated.” He gestured for the boy to continue.

Changkyun did but not before taking a few moments to calm himself down. “They....they found out that a t....teacher was suspicious. I had refused to get changed f...for gym and then he s....saw the bruises on m...my arm.”

“And how did that make you feel?”

“S...scared. Worried that someone had found out. H...he told me I could tell him if someone was hurting me.”

“Did you want to tell him?”

“I...I did but I didn’t. I know that sounds crazy but I was scared what would happen. I...I didn’t think anyone would believe me.”

“What happened after that?”

“M..my parents arrived to collect me. I knew they were mad. They were so mad” the rapper sniffled “I could have said something but I didn’t because I’m a coward.”

“You are not a coward Changkyun.”

“But I could have said something, anything.”

“It doesn’t work like that unfortunately Changkyun. You experienced trauma that would be difficult for anyone to handle. You’ve been brought up to expect pain and misery, you feared for your life. It’s a common thing for your mind to go into survival mode and that meant not making your parents any angrier. They made you fear telling the truth and none of that is your fault.” Changkyun nodded, looking down at his shoes.

“What happened when you got home?”

“They yelled at me, said horrible things. They told me to pack up my stuff quickly but not before leaving me with a few bruises.”

“How did you feel about leaving again?”

“I didn’t really feel anything. There was a small part of me that was stupid enough to think that maybe a new start somewhere else would mean they would change. I always knew they wouldn’t but... but I just hoped, I always hoped.” Changkyun began to sob quietly as he thought about that day.

“It’s ok Changkyun. You did good. I think we should stop there for the day, ok.” Dr min handed Changkyun another tissue before quickly writing down his last notes in Changkyun’s file.

————————————

Changkyun was currently sat on the edge of his bed, subtly looking at his roommate who was quietly engrossed in some book. So many thoughts were running through his mind but one distinct one was lately always at the forefront.

“W...will you show me?” He whispered, catching Dongwu’s attention. 

The latter placed his book down in his lap, directing his attention to the rapper. “What was that Changkyun?”

“C...can you show me..... you know. H...how to hide the pills?” He said, his voice slightly louder, not loud enough that it could be heard out in the corridor.

“I knew you would come round. This is a good thing Changkyun. It will help you like it helps me” Dongwu stated, gently smiling back at the other boy.

Over the next 15 minutes, Dongwu explained to Changkyun the main way to get away with hiding the pills and hiding them from when the orderly’s checked them. It seemed relatively easy but whether or not he could get away with it was another question. He would just have to find out tomorrow morning when he tried it.

Dongwu was now sat on the end of his own bed, facing Changkyun who was rubbing his hands together nervously.

“You will be ok Changkyun...” Dongwu stated, placing a comforting hand on the boys shoulder, “....those pills only make things worse. It will take a few days but you will start to feel better.”

“Are....are you sure about this?”

“I am. I promise you that you will feel better.” He smiled back at Changkyun who slowly returned a more unsure smile.

He was really going to do this. He didn’t know if it was the right thing but he certainly knew the pills made him feel awful. He didn’t want to feel awful anymore, that he was certain of.

————————————

It was the following morning, Changkyun was sat nervously on the couch waiting for the orderly to give him his daily medication. He looked knowingly at Dongwu who gave him a confident nod after having taken his medication.

After a minute or so, it was his turn. He took a deep breath before quickly putting the pill in his mouth. It took a second but he managed to manoeuvre the pill between his top lip and teeth. The orderly checked to make sure Changkyun had swallowed the pill before moving on to the next patient.

Changkyun’s eyes went wide as he realised he had just gotten away with it. He really had done it. He sat for a few more minutes to avoid suspicion before leaving for his shared room.

“So?” Dongwu asked, entering the room behind Changkyun.

Changkyun spat the pill into his hand, turning round to show the other boy. “I...I can’t believe I did that. I....I got away with it.”

“I told you that it would be fine. Now remember to crush it and hide it where I showed you. The nerves will soon go away the more you do it” he smiled, gently tapping the rapper on the back before exiting the room.

Changkyun did as instructed, ensuring that the orderly’s wouldn’t be able to find the remnants if they ever did a search. He sat on the bed, running his hand up and down his leg. “I will get better, this will make me well again” he quietly said to himself.


	23. Visits and concerns

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This lockdown is hitting differently, swear the motivation to get anything done has gone out the window. Anyway, sorry for a late upload but Thankyou for your continued support. Stay safe.

Jooheon was sat deep in his own thoughts when a hand on his shoulder made him jump. He looked beside him to see kihyun sitting down next to him at the table. It was the afternoon, the two being the remaining members after the others decided to head to the company.

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to scare you.”

“No, it’s fine” Jooheon sighed, staring back at his cup of coffee.

“Hey, are you ok? You seem deep in thought.”

“Y...yeah I’m fine” Jooheon stated, nervously tripping over his words.

Kihyun wasn’t stupid. He knew the members like the back of his hands. He could sense the nerves radiating from Jooheon a mile away. “Jooheon.”

The rapper gave kihyun a quick glance before sighing again. “It’s just, I keep thinking about Kyun’s diary I found. There’s all the stuff that happened to him in there, all the stuff he won’t tell us.”

Kihyun rubbed his temple, knowing where this conversation was heading.

“If... if we would just know what happened to him then maybe we could have a better idea of how to help him.”

“Jooheon, I know you want to help him. We all do but snooping around and reading that diary is not the way to do that. How do you think he would feel if he found out we read his personal stuff?”

“I...I know, you’re right but I just want to help him.”

“I know you think that diary might hold the answers but they are his deepest darkest secrets. It’s not a guide on how to help him. Right now he’s in the best place he can be with people who are far more qualified. Listen, I....I don’t think you should mention anything about the diary to him.”

“You don’t have to worry about that, I’m not going to go to the visit anyway.”

Kihyun looked at the boy with a mix of shock and confusion. “What? Why not?”

“I don’t think I can face him.”

“Are you being serious right now.”

“When we saw him last time, I couldn’t help but see him differently. I couldn’t help but think about all the stuff he’s gone through. I use to see the happy times we had but now it’s like the light has faded. He doesn’t need me looking at him like that.”

Frustration was building in kihyun right now, annoyed at what he was hearing. “No. But what he needs is our support.”

“I know that, I just....”

“Look Jooheon. I know how you feel. I see him differently now but he’s in there somewhere, it’s just going to take time. He’s hurting and avoiding him is only going to make that hurt worse. This isn’t about me or you, it’s about him and he needs us even if he doesn’t want to admit it. I’m not saying you have to be over the top happy with him but just make him see that he’s still a human being and that he’s not a victim.” Kihyun gently held onto the younger’s hand.

Jooheon took a few moments to process what kihyun had said. “O...ok.”

———————————

Shownu could definitely see a change since their last visit. It may not be a massive one but it was something. Changkyun was definitely more aware today and slightly more talkative. The members were allowed an hour visit which they were half way through. It didn’t seem fair to them how little time they got to spend with him but at least he was here, safe.

“So, erm... have you been working on anything at the company? For a new album or comeback?” Changkyun was genuinely interested to know if he was missing out on anything. He couldn’t work on music here, he had no equipment. It did make him feel at a loss because music is the one thing that takes his mind away from things.

Hyungwon gave the rapper a comforting smile. “Not really. Only sort of individual stuff. We want to wait to have your input if it’s anything to do with a comeback or new album Kyun.”

Changkyun honestly was surprised. A part of him thought that the company would try and carry on as normal and try and put out some new music for monbebe. “Wait, really?”

“Of course...” Wonho started “...you are a part of this team and we are not going to start anything without you.”

“Plus, it’s kind of hard writing a rap that’s meant for a duo without the other persons input.” Jooheon softly chuckled causing a small smile to appear on Changkyun’s face.

“That....that means a lot. I....I hate making you all wait though, making monbebe’s wait” his smile fell.

“Hey, they won’t mind. As for us, all we want is for you to get better no matter how long it takes. I hope you know that” Kihyun stated.

“Y...yeah, I do. I just worry, that’s all”

“On a different subject, have you thought anymore about letting your uncle visit?”

They all noticed the maknae’s shift in mood.

“I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have said anything Kyun” kihyun said, feeling guilty.

Changkyun sighed, rubbing his hands up and down his thighs. “No, it’s ok hyung. I...I guess I haven’t really thought about it that much but to be honest I’m not ready for him to visit yet.”

“What do you think is stopping you?” Minhyuk asked, slightly concerned.

“I don’t know, i guess it’s just I don’t know him all that well. I hadn’t seen him for years till recently, seeing him just kind of brought up a lot of bad stuff. I know it’s not his fault but I just can’t help how I feel about him coming back into my life at the moment.”

“That’s understandable.”

He sighed once again. “Maybe one day I might be open to him visiting but not yet. Just not yet” he whispered the last part.

15 minutes later, they were informed that the visit was over. They felt sad leaving him yet again but it was for the best. As they say, you have to struggle up the mountain before you get to the view at the top. 

They all said there goodbyes, watching as the rapper returned to his room. What wasn’t said though was how Wonho and kihyun both had a nagging feeling that something was off with him. Neither was sure what it was, they couldn’t quite put their finger on it. For now though, there was not much they could do apart from allow the boy to be taken care of by the professionals.

———————————————

_ Flashback.... _

_ Changkyun couldn’t believe it, he had made it. His name was called and he would be debuting in an actual group. Shock and happiness that overwhelmed him was soon taken over by panic. He could feel the familiar pain in his chest as he darted to the bathroom, making the excuse that he was busting to go. He pushed the door open before entering a cubicle, slamming the door shut. He sat on the toilet, pulling his knees to his chest as the panic escalated. _

_ He felt like every breath he tried to take was cut short, pushing his mind further into the abyss. Panic attacks were nothing knew to him but that didn’t mean they weren’t any less terrifying. _

_ It took 5 minutes and him digging his fingernails into his arm to finally calm down. Once it had passed, he was sure he looked like death. He was also sure that he couldn’t stay here for much longer otherwise they would start to wonder what he was doing.  _

_ He thought that this should be a happy moment, being given a chance at a knew life, a chance of an escape. The reality was that he could never escape from his past. He could never escape from them because their voices were still clearly in his head. _

_....End of flashback. _

Changkyun sat up gasping for breath, the memory so vivid as he looked around the dark room.

“Hey, are you ok?” Dongwu questioned, a hint of concern laced in his voice.

Changkyun wiped the sweat from his forehead, allowing himself to take some breaths. “Y...yeah I’m good. S...sorry if I woke you” he said quietly, laying back down.

“It’s all good. Do you want to talk about it?”

“No, not really. Was just a bad dream. I get them a lot.”

“I’ve noticed.”

“I thought they would go away, you know... once I stopped taking the pills.” He sighed, rubbing his temple as he felt the forthcoming headache.

“They will, it just takes time. Your body still has to get use to it. It’s only been a couple of days. Trust me, it will get better.”

“I hope you’re right” he whispered.

“Trust me. I use to have nightmares all the time, I can’t remember the last time I had one.”

“W...what are your nightmares about?” Changkyun asked timidly.

“I’ll tell you mine if you tell me yours.”

They took a second before looking at each other and bursting into quiet laughter.

“I...I think I’ve had enough therapy for one day thanks.” 

“Me to” Dongwu replied.


	24. Too good to be true...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it took long getting this chapter up but I hope you enjoy 😊

It had been nearly two weeks since Changkyun had stopped taking his medication, how he was still managing to not get caught he didn’t know. The first couple of days had been rough and he had his doubts but now over a week later he was believing what Dongwu told him. It was a lot better. He felt alive again, more free. He certainly didn’t feel as depressed at the moment. He couldn’t feel more thankful towards the other patient. He was sure it was only going to get better. The other members had also witnessed his improved mode when they visited, glad that the therapy and doctors appeared to be making a breakthrough with the rapper. 

Today felt like it was going to be another good day for the rapper. Although he was still reluctant to express the exact details of his hell at the hands of his parents, he certainly was taking much more interest in some of the other classes. One in particular was painting. Now he definitely would admit he wasn’t the best artist but it gave him a sense of calm. He was surprised to experience the therapeutic charms of the activity. During painting therapy, they were mainly encouraged to paint a representation of their favourite memories or something that made them happy. Of course for Changkyun, that consisted of music and his other members.

So that was what he was doing at this time, painting a stage with his members stood together. His smile grew each time he finished painting another member. Sure, they looked closer to kids drawings but at least he was trying.

“That’s very good Changkyun” a doctor leading the class stated.

“T...thank you” he whispered.

“Can you explain this a bit more to me?”

Changkyun hesitated for a moment before glancing at the encouraging smile on the doctors face. “It...it’s me and the o...other members on stage. We... have finished our p...performance and the crowd is cheering. I’m...im happy” his smile faltered.

The doctor witnessed this, acknowledging not to push the boy much more in this moment. He gave Changkyun a comforting smile, encouraging him to carry on before walking over to another patient.

Changkyun did just that, continuing to paint his picture, his smile returning as he remembered the memory. It was one of their finale concerts, he could faintly hear the loud roars of the crowd, he could see the happiness on all the boys faces as he closed his eyes to make the memory more vivid. He wished he could go back to that moment. A moment where everything seemed so simple before everyone knew his horrible truth.

**_“You don’t deserve to be on that stage”_ **

Changkyun quickly opened his eyes expecting to see someone Standing next to him. There was no one.

**_ “They never wanted you, they aren’t cheering for you.” _ **

He looked around again, searching for the source of the voice but no one was taking. All the other patients minding their own business with painting. A sinking feeling hit his stomach.

“No. Not now. You’re not real” he whispered, closing his eyes once more. He kept his eyes closed for a couple of minutes but the voice didn’t say anymore. Without a smile, he nervously carried on painting. ‘It’s just in your head’ he thought to himself as his hands shook.

———————————————

It was now later in the afternoon. Changkyun was sat alone in his shared room writing his journal entry. Doctor Min had set some of the patients a task of writing a journal entry once a day explaining how their day was and how they had felt. Changkyun was writing how he had had a good day today, he had felt somewhat happy in a matter of speaking, (minus the voice he heard) but he wouldn’t be including that in his journal. The doctors would only start asking questions and he didn’t do well when under pressure.

He had been sat writing for almost 20 minutes before he heard it again.

_ “You thought you could get rid of us boy.” _

Changkyun flinched at the voice, instinctively pulling his journal and knees to his chest. His eyes shut tight.

**_ “Pathetic, that’s what you are. Only broken people end up here” the voice laughed. _ **

“Shut up.... shut up. You’re not real, you’re not real” he whispered with a shaky voice.

**_“If we aren’t real, why don’t you open you eyes and see for yourself.”_ **

“It’s all in my head, you’re not here. I’m getting better. I’m getting better”

**_“Open them boy. OPEN THEM!”_ **

The rapper flinched at the raised voice, forcing his eyes open. However, when he looked around there was no one there. The voice stopped. ‘See Changkyun, it’s nothing. They are not real’ he thought nervously to himself.

He was pulled from his thoughts by a gentle knock on his door. It was one of the orderly’s.

“Changkyun, it’s time to come and eat” the man stated in a soft tone. He took note of how the boy was sitting causing a look of concern to cross his face.

“Is everything ok?”

The boy took a moment to steady his breathing before coming up with a lie. “Err... yeah I’m fine. Was just err... thinking what else to write.”

Changkyun eyed the orderly, watching to see if he saw through the lie.

“As long as you are sure. Have a couple more minutes to finish and then you need to join us to eat, ok.”

Changkyun just nodded, unable to trust his voice. The orderly gave him one last comforting smile before exiting to the hallway.

———————————————

_“Honey, I’ve made pancakes. They are going to get cold.”_

_Changkyun’s eyes shot open to a surprising scene. He was stood at the kitchen entryway as his mother placed a plate of warm pancakes down at the table. His hands were starting to sweat. ‘This isn’t right’ he thought._

_ His mother stopped to look up at him with a pleasant smile which only caused more nerves to run though his body. _

_ “Honey, is everything ok? You look like you’ve seen a ghost” she said, chuckling lightly. _

_ “S...sorry, I’m sorry” he rushed out. _

_ “You’re not ill are you?” she questioned with a concerned tone, placing a hand on his forehead to which he slightly flinched at. “You’re not warm, come and sit and eat your breakfast. I made it specially.” _

_ Changkyun’s eyes widened as he was ushered to a seat at the kitchen table, a big stack of delicious looking pancakes staring back at him. This isn’t right, this is all wrong. Why was his mother being nice. _

_ He looked across the table to see his father placing the newspaper down, a big smile plastered across his face. “There he is. My son who got all A’s in all his tests. We received your report card this morning and I couldn’t be prouder son” his father exclaimed, pouring a cup of coffee. _

_ “We both are” his mother interjected, placing her hands on her husbands shoulders. _

_ “Th...thanks” Changkyun replied nervously. He felt sick to his stomach. Was this real? _

_ “I have a surprise for you. We are going to go to the car salesman today and I want you to pick out the car you want.” _

_ “W..what?” _

_ His father laughed. “You deserve it son. You have worked hard all year and we couldn’t be happier. You are going places my boy.” _

_ His mother walked over to him, gently pinching his cheeks. “We love you so much.” _

_ Changkyun jumped up out of his chair at this, shocking both his parents. _

_ “What’s wrong honey?” _

_ “STOP, just stop. This is a trick.” He began shaking his head. _

_ “What are you talking about Changkyun?” his father questioned. _

_ “This... it’s all wrong. You aren’t nice people, this is all a lie.” _

_ After a few seconds, Changkyun watched as his parents eyes turned from loving to menacing. His mother crossed her arms while his father slowly pushed himself up from his chair, a menacing grin on his face. _

_ “Isn’t this what you wanted? A nice loving family who care about you. _

_ “N..not like this. You don’t know how to l...love. You never l...loved me.” The boy’s lip quivered. _

_ His mother began slowly walking towards him as he slowly backed away from her. “Of course we never loved you. Who could love a pathetic, useless piece of rubbish like you” she spat. _

_ “Now now honey. I’m sure he doesn’t need to Hear all this again. Although, he does deserve it.” His father said to Changkyun’s mother. _

_ Changkyun had closed his eyes for a couple of seconds before opening them to see both his parents faces directly infront of him. They began to laugh uncontrollably as he eyed his father pulling out a shiny object. _

_ “We should have done this a long time ago” his father said as he brought the silver gun to Changkyun’s head. _

_ “No....no, please...” _

_ “Goodnight son...” a loud band was heard. _

Changkyun’s eyes shot open as silent tears began to fall. His eyes darted around helping him to realise he was still in his shared room, the lights out. He stared at the wall, laying on his side under his covers for what felt like the longest time.

“W...why couldn’t you just love me? Why...w...why?” he quietly whispered as he silently cried into the palm of his hand so that he wouldn’t wake Dongwu.

They were supposed to stop, the nightmares had stopped for a short time. Now they are back. So are the voices but he couldn’t let anyone know that. They had to believe he was getting better, he had to get out of this place.


	25. Regret and voices

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Not sure how I feel about this chapter but enjoy. Stay safe 💜
> 
> *italic bold text sentences are his parents.

“...I can remember the pain, I can still feel it now sometimes. I remember looking down and seeing my arm twisted in a way it definitely wasn’t supposed to be...” Changkyun trailed off. 

“Was there a specific thing that led to this moment?” Dr Min questioned, crossing one leg over the other while holding his pen to Changkyun’s notes.

“Most of the time it’s nothing, hitting me just became routine. This time was different. I don’t know why I did what I did, I...I don’t...”

“It’s ok Changkyun. This is a safe space, you can tell me” the doctor reminded the boy, noting he needed some positive encouragement.

“I...I stood up for myself. I was just so tired of being... being pushed around and hurt.... and... you know. Before I realised what I was doing I pushed my father and called him out for what he was. When....when I saw the look in his eyes, I knew I had fucked up...bad.”

“What happened next?”

“He... he slapped me and grabbed my arm so hard. He just kept twisting it and twisting it until we heard a snap. It... it hurt so bad. He just left me there and went out to a bar. I was in so much pain, I don’t know how I managed to get myself to the hospital.”

“What happened at the hospital Changkyun?”

The rapper looked down to the long faded scar crossing from his upper arm, over his elbow and down to his forearm. He looked down, trying to contain his tears. “I woke up after having surgery. A police officer and social worker came to talk to me, ask me what had happened but... but I couldn’t tell them. I wanted to but I couldn’t. Then I saw my parents standing outside and so I lied. Apparently I’m a good liar because nothing ever came of the incident and I went home a day later. I could have said something but I didn’t. It’s my fault.”

“None of what happened to you is your fault Changkyun. You were scared but you don’t have to be scared now.”

“I could have stopped more from happening though” the boy said sadly.

“We can’t change what happened in the past, it’s something that was out of your control. The fault is with your parents. They were the ones responsible for your past but you don’t have to let that define your future. You’re in charge of your future Changkyun.”

“What if I can’t leave the past?”

“It will get better Changkyun. With time it will improve. I’m not saying you will forget everything that happened to you but you can heal from it.”

Changkyun could only nod, not having a clue how to reply. He wanted to heal, he did but he didn’t know how. He thought he did by not taking the pills but now, even that wasn’t helping.

“I wanted to ask you one last thing Changkyun. Have you been sleeping ok these past couple of weeks. A few of the orderly’s and myself have noticed how tired you have been looking?”

Changkyun tensed up at this, knowing why this was. Of course he wasn’t sleeping well. When he closed his eyes all he could see were his parents faces, all he could hear were those voices. “Yeah, I’m fine.”

“Changkyun.”

“Honestly doc. The nightmares have gone and I’m fine. I’m just not a morning person” he gave a small smile, hoping Dr Min would accept his lie.

“You know you can find me or one of the other doctors if you need to talk about something, right?”

“I...I know and... and I will. I promise.” He didn’t know if he was trying to convince the man or himself but Dr Min seemed to reluctantly accept the boy’s answer.

———————————————

Changkyun was sat with his knees brought up to his chest on the rec room couch. Hyungwon and Shownu were today’s visitors. In all honesty, the rapper was glad it was only two off them. He couldn’t be dealing with all 6. It already felt like there were four of them with the unwanted extra two voices that seemed to be making an appearance today. He tried his best to ignore them while the two singers were here, he couldn’t have them catching on to the fact that there was something wrong.

“I hear you have been enjoying the art therapy Kyun. Who would have thought they would find a painter in you” Hyungwon grinned at the boy.

**_ “Lies, you’re good for nothing boy!” _ **

Changkyun only glanced at the boy before nodding, only half catching what Hyungwon had said.

“Have you been getting enough sleep Kyun? You’re looking very pale.” Shownu said, attempting to make some sort of conversation.

_** “They don’t care, not really.” ** _

“Kyun? Are you ok?” The leader enquired.

“Stop it ok. Stop asking questions like you’re my therapist or doctor. I’ve got enough of those hovering around me” Changkyun sharply whispered before allowing his shoulders to deflate.

The two elder boys were slightly taken aback by his small outburst, worried more than anything.

“Sorry, I’m sorry” the boy rushed out apologetically.

“It’s ok, you don’t need to apologise” shownu stated, trying to comfort the younger boy.

_** “You should apologise because it’s all your fault!” ** _

Changkyun rubbed his temple, feeling a headache approaching.

“I think you’re right. I’m probably just tired. Therapy takes it out of you, you know” he sighed. “Can we talk about something else besides this place? Anything new with you guys or at the company?” he asked, unfolding himself so he was sat properly. 

“Well erm... Hyungwon nearly burnt the whole of the dorms kitchen. There’s a couple of new trainees, err...”

“Wait what?” Changkyun smiled “are you seriously going to skip over the part about Hyungwon nearly burning the kitchen?”

Said boy looked down guilty to his hands. “How was I supposed to know that the tea towel was on the hot stove?”

“So it just happened to place itself there while you happened to be cooking ramen?”

“Ok, so maybe I chucked it on there by accident.”

“It caught fire Hyungwon” shownu chuckled.

“This is why I said I don’t cook. Not my fault you guys suggested I try. So technically it’s your fault” he grinned.

“I bet kihyun hyung was ecstatic with you” Changkyun laughed, a genuine laugh with the biggest smile.

“Let’s just say I avoided him for the next two days.” Hyungwon said as he joined Changkyun in laughing.

Shownu could only smile as he watched the rapper look happier than he had in a while. It brought a tear to his eye knowing they had made him smile during this visit. He just wished it would last forever.

———————————————

It had been about an hour and a half since Hyungwon and Shownu had visited. When they departed Changkyun had been in good spirits but he soon came down from that high. 

He was sat at one of the tables playing a game of checkers with one of the other patients. He didn’t normally interact with the others apart from Dongwu or through group therapy but occasionally he would play a couple of rounds with someone else. Not much talking was done which he was glad about.

It normally was a straightforward quiet game but his senses seemed annoyingly heightened this time. Every noise the checkers made as someone moved them seemed to grate on his ears as well as the odd comments from his parents.

He was losing which only made him more frustrated. It was when someone dropped a book causing him to lose his concentration and move a checker to the wrong space that caused him to go over the edge.

“FOR FUCK SAKE!” he shouted. Shoving the checkers set of the table, allowing it to scatter all over the floor.

_** “Now look what you did boy!” ** _

Changkyun flinched at the voice before noticing how everyone had gone quiet to stare at him. “WHAT ARE YOU ALL LOOKING AT?”

Within seconds, an orderly rushed over to him to get him to calm down. “Changkyun, you need to calm down.”

The rapper was now standing. “BUT THEY ARE ALL STARING AT ME” he stated, pointing towards some of the other patients.

The orderly stepped forward, gently reaching out to the boy. “DONT TOUCH ME” he shouted, stepping backwards before almost tripping over.

“Changkyun look at me, just me. No one else. You need to calm down so we can talk about this. Shouting isn’t going to do anyone any good. Now how about we clean up this mess and go somewhere quiet.”

_** “What a disappointment. You deserve to be punished.” ** _

The boy shook his head trying to ground himself, closing his eyes for a few moments. “I...I’m sorry. I’m sorry” he rushed out, trying to hold back tears.

“It’s ok. You’re ok. Now let’s clean this up ok.”

Changkyun nodded before noticing that everyone else seemed to get on with whatever they were doing before his outburst. He slowly kneeled down beside the orderly to help pick up all the pieces. He knew this outburst would be reported to Dr Min. To be honest, he didn’t really care right now.

After a few minutes and having picked up every last piece, he was lead to one of the quiet rooms by the orderly. The man handed him a cup of water before leaving the room for a few moments. Presumably to retrieve Dr Min. The rapper grasped the cup of water with a shaking hand.

**_ “What a waste of space you are here too. You think they are trying to help you, think again. They see you how we see you, pathetic. You should do everyone a favour and end it...” _ **

Tears began to stream down his face. “I....I know...”


	26. Countdown to tragedy

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> https://www.samaritans.org/  
> https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/suicide/  
> https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/  
> \- you are not alone 💜
> 
> Sorry for the wait, lockdown 3.0 is getting to everyone in the U.K. Things are looking up though as we finally have dates to start getting out of it!!! Hope you are all well and staying safe. 
> 
> *note- the bold writing is his parents.

The past couple of days had been filled with nothing but misery for Changkyun. Not only were the voices more prominent but he had been seeing his parents reflections again. He was good at hiding it though. He was good at faking getting better, faking taking his medication and he believed he was good at putting on a front for the other members. 

He had made the decision that tonight would be the night he would set his plan in motion. He would do it after the last nightly inspection when he knew the orderly’s and doctors would be furthest away from his room. His roommate Dongwu would also not be there tonight as he had been permitted an overnight stay at his parents. Changkyun didn’t think it would be fair for the other boy to witness what the rapper was going to do.

He had planned how he would do it. As you can imagine, this was the most difficult part of the plan. It’s not easy to find a way in a secure unit with many staff members, security cameras and not a lot of options to carry it out. Changkyun was alarming calm about the whole idea, he dwelled on the fact that there could be an end to his lifelong suffering. He just had to wait a few more hours, he just had to get through one more visit by his members. He had asked the doctor if they could all come together today to which he happily agreed. In his eyes, Changkyun had been making extraordinary progress. Too bad Changkyun had gotten skilled at hiding his suffering, or so he thought.

He was sitting nervously fiddling with his fingers in his lap as he waited to see his members one last time, of course they didn’t need to know that though. Changkyun believed it was important for them to see him happy and smiling, he wanted to leave them with a positive memory. Although, he did feel some guilt leaving them in the dark. Guilt at not being able to be there with them again. He had to push these feelings to one side, he had to get through this in one piece.

“Changkyun...” the rapper heard before placing a smile on his face and turning round to greet the other boys. They quickly walked up to him, the maknae pulling each one into a grateful and tight hug.

“Hyung’s, it’s so good to see you” he stated, smiling brightly at them and gesturing for them to sit down.

“It’s good to see you too Kyun...” Minhyuk chuckled, “...it’s good to see you smiling.”

“I always smile” Changkyun said in a jokingly defensive tone.” The others boys could only grin back at him, happy to see that their maknae was having a good day as far as they knew.

“So, tell us what you have been up to since we last visited” Wonho quizzed.

“Oh just the usual, I’m really enjoying the art classes. Reckon you could sell my art on eBay at this rate...” he laughed to himself. “Doctor Min has been talking to me about possibly spending a night here and there back at home with you guys.”

They all gasped in amazement before Hyungwon spoke. “That’s fantastic Kyun, we are so happy for you. You’ve come so far and this shows it.”

“Do... do you think you are ready for this Kyun?” Kihyun interjected, gaining inquisitive looks from Minhyuk and Hyungwon.

“W...what do you mean hyung?” The rappers smile slightly faltered.

“I think it’s great and all but do you feel like you are ready for something like that? It’s your feelings that matter the most and we just want what’s best for you.”

“Do..do you not think it’s a good idea?”

“I’m not saying that. All I’m saying is you shouldn’t go ahead with something if you are not ready for it. It you are then that’s fine, I just don’t want something to push you too far. I’m sorry, I don’t mean to sound so negative Kyun. I just care about you.”

“It’s ok hyung. I understand what you are saying. Nothing is set in stone yet, it...it wouldn’t be for a few weeks yet anyway so there is time to think.” He could feel his eyes on the brink of tears but did his best to hide it from his hyung’s.

Shownu looked between all of them, noting that a change of subject was in order. “On another note, jooheon’s got something to tell you.”

Changkyun looked suspiciously at the other rapper. “Really, what?”

Jooheon rubbed his neck nervously. “My erm, my mixtape got approved for recording.”

“That’s fantastic hyung, I’m so excited for you. You’ve been working so hard on your ideas for the longest time. When do you start recording?”

Jooheon smiled brightly, grateful that he had received a positive reaction from the boy. “In a couple of weeks. We are in talks about an mv for the main song.”

“You’re gonna dye your hair right? For the mv?” Changkyun said excitedly.

“I’m not sure. Why, have you got an idea?”

“I’ve always liked lime green and and bright pink” he laughed.

“I am not dyeing my hair lime green and bright pink” he said dramatically, eliciting laughs from the other boys.

“Why not?” The younger boy whined sarcastically.

“I don’t think it will go with the theme funnily enough.”

“It can represent polar opposites” the boy chuckled once again.

“I’ll keep that in mind, probably not” Jooheon smiled, happy seeing that the other boy was sounding like his old self.

Similar conversations like this made time pass in a flash. It was time for the boys to leave and it felt utterly bittersweet for Changkyun. He hugged each member one by one tightly, making sure to tell them he loved them while also thanking them.

They were about to leave but two members ushered for the other three to go on ahead, saying they would follow on with them in a minute, much to the reluctance of jooheon. Changkyun just looked a bit confused.

“Changkyun, are you sure you are ok?” Shownu asked, looking to kihyun.

“I’m ok, why do you ask? Shouldn’t you be getting home, it will be dark soon.”

“It’s just... you know you can talk to us if something is bothering you” kihyun stated.

The reason the two had stayed is because they both agreed that something felt off with this whole visit. Don’t get them wrong, they were glad that Changkyun appeared happy but that was what they were worried about, that it might just be an appearance.

“I’m ok hyung’s. I’m having a good day, a really good day. If there was something Bothering me then I would tell you” he smiled gratefully at both.

“Kyun..”

“Honest, I’m good. I’m happy.”

They looked between each other before appearing to accept this statement. They hugged him one last time before he disappeared from sight. What Changkyun didn’t see was the two quietly voice to Dr Min their concerns on their way out. The man telling them he would keep a closer eye on the boy.

———————————————

The countdown was still on, only a couple more hours before his plan would start. He was sat in his bed having finished writing his final journal entry.

_I’m glad my hyung’s final visit was a good one. I don’t think I could have left this earth if they had left sad. Throughout the visit I did feel guilt knowing that they had no idea what I have planned. It will be better this way though, I won’t be a burden anymore and they can get on with their lives. They will be ok, I hope. I’m sad that I won’t get to see Jooheon’s mv or listen to his whole mixtape but I know he will do well. He’s so talented, as are all the members. I hope they will not blame themselves for something I have chosen to do, I don’t want them to cry for me. I want them to be happy. Live a full and happy life, a life that I could truly never live. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.”_

Changkyun could feel a tear make it’s way down his face and onto the page, mixing with the ink. He closed the journal for the last time, holding it close to his chest.

“N..not long now, not long.”

_** “A coward taking the cowards way out.” ** _

“I... I thought this was what you wanted” Changkyun whispered to the reflections in the window, refusing to look up to them.

_** “Well we do, then again we can’t have fun anymore now can we boy” ** _

“Stop it.”

_** “That’s what it was wasn’t it, fun. You got to live in different places, meet new friends”  ** _ his mother’s voice said with a menacing tone.

_** “The beatings and everything else were just the fun bit for us. Seeing you weak brought us the happiness we deserved after you ruined everything for us. I bet you liked it didn’t you, every time I crept into your room. I bet you enjoyed it as much as I did”  ** _ the voice of his father echoed in his ears.

“N...no, no...”

_** “If you hated it that much then why didn’t you stop me?” ** _

“I...I tried, I did. I tried.” He began to sob quietly, placing his face in the crook of his arm to muffle the sounds.

_** “We broke you so bad that you just took it, you let it happen so that makes it your fault doesn’t it.” ** _

“Just stop, please. I’m giving you what you wanted, just give me a couple hours peace, please” he begged.

_** “It will never stop boy, it doesn’t matter what you do. We Will be waiting for you .” ** _

That was the last thing he heard them say, looking up to see that their reflections had gone. For once in his broken life, they gave him what he asked for. In a weird way he was grateful. The only thing he would ever be grateful to them for.

“Not long now Changkyun, not long now...”

———————————————-

It was finally time. The last two hours had dragged painfully. He had to wait for the orderly’s last check of the night before he could start what he had planned. He did get the sense that they checked on him a few more times than they normally did today. He put this thought to the back of his mind though.

He quietly pulled his sheet from his bed, carefully rolling and tying it into a makeshift noose. He walked over to the bars on the window, which thankfully were strong enough that they would support his weight. They had to be strong to ensure escapes didn’t happen in this place. He was being as quiet as he possibly could so not to alert anyone.

Tears slowly flowed down his face as he tied the sheet to the bars and then the other end securely around his neck. He then lowered himself to his knees so his back was to the window.

“I...I’m sorry, I’m so sorry” he whispered while checking one last time that the sheet wouldn’t come untied from round his neck.

The feeling of sadness and relief felt overwhelming as he was accepting what he was about to do. With one last quiet apology, he let himself fall forward, the sheet preventing him from falling face first to the ground.

He could feel the sheet tighten around the front of his neck as it began restricting his airway. He was sure he could feel the bruising process. His body instinctively trying to gasp for breaths, breathes he did not want.

Everything seemed to be going in slow motion as he could feel the life leave him, his eyesight gradually disappearing.

He thought this was what he wanted, he had planned this. Now however, all he could see in his mind was his members. All he could think was how much he was regretting doing this. All he could think was how much he wanted to live in this very moment. Then everything finally went dark.....

It took 3 minutes before an alarm was sounding throughout the whole unit after an orderly had spotted the rappers limp body through the doors small window having gone to do an extra check on specific patients, including Changkyun. Another minute passed before more orderly’s were seen running in desperation towards Changkyun’s closed door.


End file.
